Hole Trump Digging for America Now 57 Feet Deep

It was another chaotic week for Trump. He watched his lead lawyer John Dowd resign as the Russian investigation gains steam, while also facing lawsuits from a reality TV star, a former Playboy Playmate, and a porn star. Trump and his political party also faced marches across the nation where over one million citizens marched for their lives in protest of gun violence. As scandals and blunders plague Trump and his administration from all sides, he has taken out his frustrations by engaging in trade wars and taunting adversaries and allies alike via tweets; and, of course, by continuing his project of digging a gigantic hole for America. 

Probably Legit asked digging expert, Marissa Tallmadge, to evaluate the hole and provide commentary on the president's progress. "Well, he's not even efficiently digging the hole if that is his main intention," begins Marissa. "It looks like he is just haphazardly digging at random. But what most diggers would consider huge blunders, have actually worked out in the president's favor if his intention is to never get out of the hole and make it as dangerous and as deep as possible. He has a penchant for digging small tunnels without thought or foresight to the structure and integrity of the hole. Nearly all of those little tunnels will surely collapse."

Asked if the president is doing anything well, Marissa explains, "To his credit, he never stops digging. Ever. He is making this hole deeper and deeper by the day. The hole is already 57 feet deep. That's pretty incredible for someone who clearly has no knowledge of digging or craftsmanship."  

Asked for a final statement about the hole, Marissa warns, "He is not thinking about, or building, any ways out of this hole. There are no ramps, ladders, ropes, anything. In fact, the little tunnels he digging at random that will all eventually collapse will actually make it even harder to get out of then it is now. I think he wants to bring everyone down into the hole with him."  

*

Please follow Probably Legit on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Orrin Hatch says he is 'Grateful' for the NFL's 2017 MVP Award

Just days after Orrin Hatch said he was grateful for an editorial calling for his resignation, the longtime GOP senator from Utah took another misstep when he tweeted his gratitude to the NFL for naming him 2017's MVP. Hatch's tweet was referring to a Sports Illustrated article published Wednesday, 12/27/2017, in which the magazine named the 83 year old Senator MVP of the league. But like the editorial from The Salt Lake Tribune, the title was not intended as a compliment.

The Sports Illustrated article used Hatch as a pawn in a scathing critique of the NFL's lack of urgency in solving its concussion problem. The conclusion of the article states that Hatch must have been experiencing symptoms of a concussion to have thanked a newspaper for demanding his resignation. The magazine warned that if immediate action wasn’t taken, the league would risk being populated with a majority of players suffering from CTE and making mistakes at an Orrin Hatch level or worse. Sports Illustrated also asked for Hatch to resign.

A spokesperson for Hatch released a statement Thursday, reading, “Orrin has proudly served his political campaign donors and an elite circle of Utah residents for nearly 40 years. He has done so honorably and will forever be marked in history for his role in shaping the America we see before us today. Clearly the senator’s tweet was a tongue and cheek remark referring to the booing he often gets from constituents, similar surely to the boos that NFL MVPs often receive at the stadiums of their opponents. The Senator promises to rule over Utah for the next one hundred years with the help of cryogenic freezing. He will never resign.”

*

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter!

Trump Celebrates 2,000th Lie as President with 100th Vacation Day at Mar-a-Lago

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago golf club spared no expense to help the president celebrate his 2,000th presidential lie Tuesday. The resort hosted an extravagant Fake News Buster party and presented Trump with a gold inlaid certificate of achievement. The president has recently taken to referring to his lies as ‘Fake News Busters’ and has repeatedly touted his ability in doing so as well as his high number of ‘busts’. Trump has averaged an incredible 6.33 official lies per day since becoming president and the celebration of his 2,000th lie will mark the 100th day out of 316 that he has spent at Mar-a-Lago. Experts have estimated that the party will cost tax payers over $3 million.

What was the president's 2,000th official lie? Right before boarding Air Force One to fly to his resort, Donald Trump tweeted, “Very, very busy day planned at Mar-a-Lago. Will be working tremendously hard for the American people to stop the demon democrats from ruining planet with the help of CNN… I will not let them kill our babies or take our guns or steal our hard earned tax dollars to buy mansion-prisons for thug criminals and illegal aliens that are murdering rapists.”

Eric Shultz, a bipartisan, fact checking expert, shakes his head and sighs. He tells Probably Legit, “Technically, this tweet contains multiple factual inaccuracies. For instance, he claims that he has a busy day planned, but the only things on Trump’s official schedule are '1) Fox n’ Friends time. 2) Golf 3) Yummy chicken fingers'. If we wanted, we could go line by line and likely identify and call out 10 unique lies, but because they were all contained in one official statement from the President of the United States, our policy is to consider this entire message as just one lie. It is his 2,000th.”

*

Please follow Probably Legit on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter! 

Trump Administration Releases Tone Deaf Ad in Support of Tax Plan

It has been a rocky Monday for Trump and his administration. In a speech honoring Navajo code talkers, the president used a racial slur while referencing Senator Elizabeth Warren. The president has used the slur before, repeatedly and openly calling Warren 'Pocahontas', but Trump didn't need any other mishaps following his earlier disastrous tweet which pictured himself in a bathtub full of money with the caption that read, "Middle class miracle!! How will you spend your $1,000 in tax savings? #MAGA".

Trump is now in hot water for both incidents and is taking particular heat for the advertisement which supports a long held suspicion by the nation that Trump does not know what $1,000 looks like. As the administration has shifted focus towards passing tax reform, Trump and many of his advisors have publicly suggested that the average American could use their extra $1,000 to buy unrealistic things such as a month long safari, a new car, a kitchen remodel, a speedboat, a racehorse, and a fully staffed private jet for six months.

In an awful day for the administration, Trump is now facing backlash from all sides, including resentment from even the fiercest of Trump supporters. Avid Trump supporter Dale Rochette tells Probably Legit, "Who does this guy think he is? I don't even have a bathtub in my house. I'm starting to think that's how much money Mr. Trump will get if they pass that there tax bill. Something just ain't sitting right here. If he makes 17 or 18 more mistakes like this here one, then I might just have to consider not voting for him in the next election!"

*

Thanks for reading! Please follow us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. 

Nation Not Buying That Donald Trump Jr. Was Unknown Campaign Aide

Just hours after the report that Donald Trump Jr. had privately messaged Wikileaks in an effort to gain access to potentially damning Clinton emails that were accessed through Russian hacks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders took the podium at the White House, looked the press straight in the eye, and told them that Donald Trump Jr. was a low-level campaign aide that most of the administration could not even pick out of a line-up. 

Pressed on the fact that Donald Trump Jr. has the same name as the president, and is the president’s son, Sanders repeated her claim, stating, “Junior was a low level aide. He mostly fetched coffee and babysat Eric. He did not have any direct contact with the president or any of the administration. Any actions he took or messages he sent were done on his own volition. We did not even remember we had Junior as an aide until this report came out.”

Donald Trump Jr. later tweeted his conversations with Wikileaks to the public. In one tweet he added, “This report is nothing. They didn’t even write anything about the messages I sent to Vlad or his family members. Stupid fake news media! #GoGetEmDad #NoCollusion.” A poll taken just one day after the report and the response from the press secretary indicates that 73% of the country does not believe that Trump Jr. was a low level aide.

*

Follow Probably Legit on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook! 

Finally! Date set for Trump vs Tillerson IQ Battle Royale

It’s been over a month now since Donald Trump called out Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and publicly challenged the man responsible for preventing World War III to a series of IQ tests. Tillerson has wisely refused to publicly comment on the matter, declining to add to the overwhelming embarrassment already experienced by the United States. But in private he remains confident, as is the majority of the planet that he would win. And finally, a date has been set.

The MGM Grand in Las Vegas will host the IQ contest on January 20th, 2018, the anniversary of Trump’s inauguration. Vegas odds makers are struggling to set the proper odds for the bout. When the announcement was made, initial Trump odds came in at 100,000 to 1, but as of the publishing of this article, odds for Trump to win have increased to 80,000 to 1.

An odds maker spoke with Probably Legit and stated, “If Trump somehow pulls off an upset it will bankrupt nearly every casino in Las Vegas. We’re all a little nervous. Multiple insurance policies have been taken out. I mean, he was the one who challenged Tillerson. He’s got to have some sort of reason to believe he’ll win…but come on…Either way, it will be incredible to watch and horribly embarrassing as a country.”

Officials close to the president claim he is confident. One source reports, “He canceled all TV and play time yesterday to sit with an intern to give guidance and instructions for the creation of the contest’s poster. Despite multiple suggestions to the contrary, he didn’t seem to care that people might not believe he has a six pack, and he insisted that the American public would know that XS glove size means ‘Extra Strong’. I’ve placed a large wager on Secretary Tillerson.”

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Management at Fox News Frantically Working Out How to Spin Blatant Treason

It’s been a tough week for management at Fox News according to multiple sources close to the upper echelon of the conservative leaning network. With criminal charges filed against three of Trump’s former staff, and certainly more to come, management has been scrambling to figure out how to spin blatant treason against the United States of America.

One source explains, “They think they can keep deflecting with stories about the DNC, Hillary, and the Russian Dossier. Their base likes large words when they repeat talking points, so ‘dossier’ has been great. But they know they can’t keep that up for too much longer. This is clearly just the beginning of likely indictments for the entire administration. And they don’t know how to spin that yet.”

So far they've considered embracing the treason as an impressive and genius strategy to beat the true enemy - the Clinton political machine. They’ve also considered using a minor footnote in the writings of Thomas Jefferson and interpreting it to mean that the founding fathers would have wanted it this way. And most surprisingly, they’ve considered apologizing to the American people for their complicity and fearmongering for profit scheme that has resulted in the steady downfall of our great nation. What will they end up choosing? Time will tell. And luckily for Fox, many analysts believe they still have a few more weeks to decide their best course. 

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Donald Trump Learns Wrong Lesson From Reading of The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Former president, Barrack Obama, returned to the public eye Thursday when he visited the Georgetown Neighborhood Library and read for the Kindergarten class of Steven's Elementary. Believing the former president was trying to impede on his turf, President Trump canceled his weekly Mar-A-Lago trip to attend the reading.

An aide close Mr. Obama confirmed that the former president anticipated such behavior and he came prepared. When Trump entered the room, Mr. Obama quickly put aside Hansel and Gretel and brought out a picture book of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. The aide explains, "In light of recent accusations and conspiracy theories trumpeted as the truth by our commander and chief, President Obama knew he would have an opportunity to teach Mr. Trump an important life lesson in a medium he would understand and be comfortable with."

And the former president was correct. A small wooden box was strategically placed near a student with glasses, and President Trump took the bait.  He pulled the box in front of the student, climbed on top, turned back and called the child a 'loser' before eagerly turning towards the former president for story time.

Multiple people in the room reported losing President Trump in the crowd almost as soon as he joined the children. One student's parent told Probably Legit, "It was amazing. I legitimately could not find him in the crowd until I went student by student looking for an overly large red tie. But there he was, listening and shuffling around like all of the other kids, totally engrossed in the story."

The former president didn't appear to have the same problem finding Donald Trump in the audience. He read the story slowly, making direct eye contact with Trump during critical plot points. He even adlibbed and changed the name of the boy in the book to Little Donny.

After Mr. Obama finished the story, he turned to the crowd of children and asked, "And what lesson do you smart kids think Little Donny learned when the villagers didn't come when he really needed help?" The 1st grade class yelled in unison, "Don't lie, or people will stop believing you and they won't help you when you actually need it!"

Everybody was eager to find out if the President also learned the same lesson, but Mr. Obama's aide reports, "I thought he might have done it, but I don't think the lesson sunk in. Mr. Obama smiled after the kids correctly answered his question and then he turned to President Trump who was also smiling. But Trump just jumped off his box, said, 'I'm President! And you're not!' and then he pushed the kid with glasses and left the library."

President Trump later confirmed he learned the wrong lesson, or that he is an evil mastermind, when he tweeted, "Great time at book building with kids. Great story told by bad storyteller. Sad. Once the wolf tricks the boy into spreading fake news, he gets to eat all of the sheep. #MakeAmericaGreatAgain"

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

President Trump Introduces Plan to Replace Affordable Care Act to Confused Applause

In his first speech to Congress Tuesday, President Trump gave the country a new glimpse at his plan to replace Obamacare. After once again touting the standard GOP talking point of repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act to raucous applause from 40% of the assembly, Mr. Trump elaborated for the first time on what that might actually look like.

"Once the disastrous failed Obamacare is repealed we will replace it with such a great, great thing. A tremendous thing. I promised it would be tremendous and so many great people are going to be helped with this new plan, and America will finally win at healthcare." Mr. Trump paused to let the applause of half the room quiet before continuing. "GoFundMe will be an integral part of my new plan to help Americans. We will expand it greatly and we will help so many people. Healthcare is so so complex an issue, I never knew. But we can finally see the answer and it is so very, very simple."

The president pleaded with both sides of the aisle as he further explained his plan. "I want Democrats and Republicans to come together and help roll out a GoFundMe act that Americans need. GoFundMe. So great. I didn't even know what this thing is. It is a thing and it is right here in front of us, but I didn't know. An intern told me recently he was helping a friend on this GoFundMe and I said to the intern, what is this thing? He opened his Facebook and showed me and you wouldn't believe it, there are so many of these things already! It is working bigly for everybody. Much better than Obamacare. I said, this is it. We totally got it. We just fixed healthcare, believe me."

Mr. Trump paused for brief moment of confused applause before continuing. "The brilliant American people are already solving this problem without our help, and I said, but what if we helped? How much are surgeries? Maybe $100-$200? I want Congress to figure out how to help add $100 to each of these GoFundMe pages for the surgeries of the American people. This will be so much cheaper than the disaster we have now and so much better. People will get likes on their Facebook posts and they will get so much help from their doctors with this new system. With the GoFundMe Act and the prayers of my Vice President, Mike Pence, we will have the healthiest country in the world, in the history of the world. This is great. This is really so, so great."

Experts were quick to weigh in after the speech with a resounding consensus. Emily Parsons, a healthcare industry expert with 35 years of experience, told Probably Legit, "This is not a sustainable healthcare plan. This is hardly a plan at all. I would strongly advise against replacing the Affordable Care Act with the GoFundMe Act, and once again, for the benefit of millions of Americans, I would strongly urge the president to focus on repairing and improving the Affordable Care Act with sensible actions, and not to replace it with an idea he had after a 10 minute conversation with an intern."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Trump's Press Secretary Reluctantly Approaches Podium with Talking Points Clearly Written in Red Crayon

"I don't think he's sleeping much. He's definitely wearing the same baggy suit every day. To be honest, we are all pretty worried about him," states senior White House correspondent, Shelley Brinkman. "And the gum... my god, that can't be healthy."

Brinkman is referring to Press Secretary Spicer's habit of chewing and swallowing pieces of Orbit cinnamon chewing gum multiple times throughout the course of each press conference. "We all noticed the habit immediately. Whenever he was about to say something he knew we would call bullshit on he would start rapidly chewing a piece and then right after he delivered an alternative fact he would swallow it. He says he has always chewed and swallowed gum, but it has to be some sort of coping mechanism,” muses the correspondent. “He doesn't even hide it anymore. He just puts all ten packs of gum he'll need to get through the conference right there on the podium with him. I don't think there is anybody in America that hates their job more right now.”

Shelley Brinkman has been covering the White House for 13 years now. She tells Probably Legit, "I've met and built a working relationship with six different press secretaries since I started covering the White House. We spend multiple hours a day together, and there is always a special kind of bond that forms with the give and take nature of the job. But I have never seen anything like this. It has only been 11 days and the man is breaking. At this point he's swallowing probably 2-3 pieces per minute. I'm not a doctor, but I think that is too much gum to be swallowing each minute."

Brinkman continues, "And it's getting worse. Just today, we could see how reluctant he looked to walk out to his podium. He looked a little more stressed than usual. His hands were shaking and he was holding multiple loose leaf pages of notes that had obviously been angrily written in red crayon. He stopped at the podium and meticulously unwrapped five pieces of gum. He put all five pieces in his mouth, chewed maniacally, and then with a straight face he looked down at his notes and deadpan opened with, and I quote, 'Expert White House doctors say Donald Trump is very, very strong. Most likely the strongest president ever. He is really, really, strong, and really good at being a strong, great president. And he’s great at ratings. Anyone, like a TV host with a stupid accent, who says he's not really strong is a liar.' After that he held up a crayon drawing of a stick figure with muscles, paused, and in total silence he just made sad eye contact with each of us and swallowed a huge glob of cinnamon gum. It was heartbreaking. We all just let him have that one. Nobody asked a follow up."

A source close to Probably Legit confirms that the press secretary has now officially dedicated $1,000 of his yearly budget to Orbit cinnamon flavored gum. The source goes on to report that Orbit has now denied multiple requests for large purchase discounts or sponsorships. Instead, Orbit issued a statement saying, “Orbit gum was brought to America by an immigrant and the company does not agree with the President’s exclusionary policies.”

Asked for any final thoughts on the press secretary’s struggles during his first 11 days, Brinkman concludes, “I wish people on twitter would take it a little easier on him. Ever since they found out, they have tweeted mean things at him like, ‘You are doing wrong, and so is the President! Switch to Big Red, you big sweaty douche.’ But Big Red was also founded by an immigrant. I think we also should consider that this might be some sort of hostage situation where he is reading those things to save his family or something. I know it is frustrating, but we could all be a little nicer to Sean.”

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Bernie or Bust Bro Has Revelation After Watching Child Set Himself On Fire In One Way Mirror Experiment

In a perfect storm of a successful Democratic National Convention, and a week of horrific blunders by her opponent Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton has experienced a drastic rise in the polls. Fearful of the apocalyptic reign of a Trump presidency, even prominent GOP leaders across the country have pledged their support to Clinton. However, one contingent of voters has eluded Clinton's grasp from the beginning, and it may cost her the presidency: The Bernie Bro.

The Bernie or Bust movement has been a constant source of frustration for the Clinton campaign, and for Americans across the nation who are concerned that Trump still retains even the slight possibility of victory come November. Even after the endorsement of Bernie Sanders himself, a dedicated block of Bernie supporters have refused to vote for Hillary Clinton, and have actively vowed to continue the fight against her. But that all might change after a powerful suggestion from campaign staffer, Malory Watkins.

"One day it just clicked," reports Malory. "These guys have been so passionate and consumed by the emotion of the campaign that they can't accept defeat and rally around a different positive force, even when that positive force is now the only thing standing in the way of a Donald Trump inauguration. We had to break away from the politics of it all and actually show them what that looked like from a different perspective and in a dramatic fashion. So instead of spending money on commercials or going door to door, we spent money on a two way mirror, a box of regular Oreos, a box of triple stuffed Oreos and a lighter. Then we hired a child actor and invited as many Bernie Bros as we could."

Malory continues to explain the experiment, stating, "We would bring people in under the pretense of a political discussion, but then we'd have them sit in a waiting room with a full view of the two way mirror. The experiment was simple. We just had Alex, our kid actor, sit at a table with an Oreo, a triple stuffed Oreo, and a lighter. We even had a picture of a small double stuffed Oreo and a Fig Newton on the wall. Once the Bernie Bro was listening, an instructor told Alex that he could not have the triple stuffed Oreo, but was welcome to eat the regular Oreo. We told Alex to turn down the regular Oreo and then just go wild."

And go wild he did. Probably Legit was invited to tag along and witness the experiment in action. Seated with four other Bernie Bros and a clear view of the two way mirror, we watched Alex in action. When denied the triple stuffed Oreo and told he could have a regular Oreo or a picture of a cookie instead, Alex cried and yelled, "Regular Oreos are for pieces of shit!"

The Bernie Bros watched in awe as Alex had a complete meltdown, smashing his head against the table and screaming profanity after profanity. When the administrator finally removed the triple stuffed cookie from the table and told Alex he could work towards having the triple stuffed cookie in four years, but in the meantime he could eat the regular Oreo, Alex took the lighter and said, "I'll burn this place to the motherfucking ground if I have to eat that regular garbage Oreo! You hear me! I'd rather die! I'll kill myself right now! Fuck regular Oreos, and fuck you! I hope you like cleaning burnt kid carcass, you settling-for-regular-Oreo idiot!"  

The experiment appeared to be resounding success. Each Bernie Bro watched in horror as Alex set himself on fire, and one after the other they asked, "Why won't he just eat the regular Oreo? He doesn't have to die like this. Oh... Ohhhhhhhhh... Oh my god... Ok. I get it now."

Asked for a final comment, Malory states, "We are setting up two way mirrors across the country. We're really hoping each Bernie Bro who has a revelation will tell other bros using the analogy we've created, and hopefully they'll help us beat Trump in November. Even if they think we are just a regular Oreo."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Hillary Clinton Furious That Donald Trump Stole Her Smoky Entrance to Queen Idea

After what many are calling a four day witch hunt and hate rally, recent reports indicate that Hillary Clinton is most upset that Donald Trump entered his convention through a cloud of bellowing smoke to the lyrics of a Queen song. An aide close Clinton reports, "She just paces back and forth and plays the clip over and over. After it's done she screams 'That was my fucking idea!' and punches a new hole through the hotel wall."

In a Republican National Convention that catered to one member who actively called for Hillary to be shot by a firing squad, as well as multiple chants of 'lock her up' and 'guilty', many in Clinton's camp are concerned that the candidate seems to only care about Trump allegedly stealing her entrance idea. Clinton's chief campaign manager, Huma Abedin, states, "She has been planning on entering the stage for her acceptance speech to We Are The Champions by Queen for nearly 10 years now. We were all really bummed when Trump ended up doing it, but I think she is focusing solely on this as a kind of coping mechanism. I mean that entire hate rally was really hard to watch. I just don't buy it that she doesn't care that she was linked to Lucifer to a chorus of boos and that millions of people want her dead or in jail. That would be hard on anyone. I think she is compartmentalizing everything, but she just keeps punching holes through walls and yelling 'No, I am the fucking champion!' so I don't know."

As Clinton's acceptance speech nears, her staff has been busy contracting out the many wall repairs and trying to keep their candidate calm and focused. Abedin continues, "We've been trying to maintain a delicate balance of using this to channel that fury and determination that she'll need over the next 100 days, and showing her clips from DNC speeches to remind her what she's been fighting for and that not everybody hates her. I think it's working. Now, we just need to find her a new song."

When asked for her reaction after watching four days of RNC coverage and how she plans on entering the stage now, Clinton punches another hole in the wall before sighing heavily and stating, "I will do my best to fight for everyone in this country, even those who hate me. And I'll just walk in and have some sort of wind machines or something I guess... and maybe Roar by Katy Perry. I don't know. Fuck! God damnit!"

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Crowds Demand Deep Fried Butter Sticks and Simple Games Between RNC Carnival Hate Speeches

Cleveland played host to the Republican National Convention this week where Donald Trump became the official Republican nominee. As thousands flocked to Quicken Loans Arena to hear a star studded lineup featuring Scott Baio and the cast of Duck Dynasty, Todd Simmons, director of Carnival Midways, set up shop just outside.

Simmons states, "We travel all over the country, but we never miss a chance for a Republican National Convention Carnival. Every four years we set another record for profits during the four day event, but this year has been absolutely incredible. These are very simple people. Somehow even more so this year. All we did was draw Trump arrows on the ground and they just waddle from booth to booth and give us their money. After a day of hate speeches these people just want to relax with a nice deep fried stick of butter and a simple game where they can try to throw darts at Hillary balloons."

The director does admit that this year his games needed to dumbed down a bit more than usual. "Really any game with more than one simple directive is off limits for this crowd. Again these are very simple people. They know which colors to boo at and when to chant USA and when to say, 'One nation, under God', but if you have a game with multiple steps and any sort of critical thinking, their eyes just kind of glaze over and they start drooling a bit. You have to snap them out of it by whispering 'Black Lives Matter' into their ears. This year we've tried to stick to throwing darts at different things and ring tosses."

RNC delegates and fans aren't the only ones to participate. Multiple Senators, Governors and public figures have been seen wandering the carnival after their hate speeches. "I don't think it is a surprise to anybody that Chris Christie cut the line at the Fried Butter Stand after his witch hunt. He built up a pretty strong sweat during his hate speech. But he kept it going at the stand, and he actually conditioned the audience to take a bite with him every time they yelled, 'Guilty!' Just incredible. We didn't even pay him to do that."

The directors goes on to add, "And if you walk around for a while, you'll eventually run into Ben Carson. After everybody entered the carnival, we put up Hillary signs at the exits to deter people from leaving. I think Ben has been trapped in here for three days now. He slowly walks around eating churros and quietly mumbling about Lucifer. He does play the games when the arrows guide him to a booth though. So that's good."  

Asked if he'll be back four years from now, Simmons states, "Of course. Carnivals and hate speeches go hand in hand. We are the yin to their yang. If there is another Republican National Convention after this one, we'll be there. It's been a great few days, and we couldn't ask for simpler guests to please, but I must admit, it will be nice to get away from the hate speeches for a while. Plus, I think it's time to let Ben Carson out. Until next time."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Koch Industries Develops Special Custom Fitted Diaper for Donald Trump to Wear During Extra Long Hate Speeches

"This has been a challenging election cycle so far," states Koch Industries spokesperson Ron Howell. "Donald Trump is really unlike anything we have ever seen. In the past, the GOP presidential candidate was a well oiled puppet at this stage of the game; we typically have nearly complete control by March at the latest. It has been rather frustrating and a bit unnerving to be so shut out this time around, but when we saw the opportunity to develop a custom fitted hate speech diaper for Mr. Trump, we knew we had our in."

Charles Koch, the CEO and founding shareholder of Koch Industries, has been credited with discovering the opportunity. While attending a Trump rally, the CEO noted that Trump's speech about which countries, races, and religions were a threat to America was interrupted often and for seemingly random intervals where the candidate would disappear backstage. Multiple sources inside the company report that two days later, in an aha moment, the CEO called an emergency board meeting where he declared, "Nothing halts the momentum of a passionate hate speech like a bathroom break. I think we need to build this man a customized diaper."

And build that man a diaper they did. Koch Industries diverted nearly all of their research and development budget into designing the perfect hate speech diaper. Ron Howell states, "We put everything into the development of this diaper. Flawless measurements. A comfortable, flexible, no chaffing, no rash design. Multiple, stylish Trump logos. And the best high-absorbent technology on Earth. We didn't have the greatest of relationships with Donald Trump going in, and this was going to be our peace offering. It had to be perfect."

The Koch brothers and Howell met with Donald Trump on Monday to publicly endorse the candidate and to gift him with the first 10 custom fitted diapers. Howell claims, "Obviously he was a little thrown off when we presented him with the diapers, but he warmed up when we told him what they were for, and that we just wanted our candidate to be comfortable, happy and dry while he inspires the nation. At the very least I think we opened the door to a future working relationship."

It appears Donald Trump agrees. After the meeting and the uninterrupted rally that followed, the candidate tweeted, "Cincinnati has fantastic amazing folks. Great great folks that want their country back. Never felt more comfortable on stage. Or dry. Really inspired the crowd with best speech ever! Comfy. Winning. Strong! #americanbusiness"

Asked for a final comment, Ron Howell states, "We're hoping he'll reach out soon to request more hate diapers and that we can continue to talk and build our relationship. We might not ever get to the level control that we've grown accustomed to, but with enough diapers and hard work we're confident that we can once again find our voice in a Trump presidency. And now that Donald doesn't break for his extra long hate speeches, his supporters are demanding diapers of their own so they don't have to miss a second of it. We might have a whole new market on our hands. We're really excited here."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Game of Thrones Creators Threaten to Cancel Season 7 Unless the UK Promises to Stop Being Racist Assholes

In the same week as Britain's historic vote to leave the European Union, Game of Thrones concluded its sixth season with what many critics are calling one of the greatest episodes in television history. In the aftermath of the season finale, fans were left in awe and are already eagerly awaiting the return of the beloved HBO series for the seventh season; however, the aftermath of Brexit has left many people fearing for their lives, as the UK's emboldened elderly and uninformed have chosen to now openly yell racial slurs and spit on their fellow countrymen.

Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, the loudest voices of Britain's far-right, helped pave the way for the exit by stoking the growing fear of immigration with barely concealed and sometimes openly racist remarks. As a result, in the days following the vote to leave many non-white UK citizens have reported terrifying incidents of being cornered, spit at, and told to 'leave the country'.  

While the Game of Thrones doesn't directly relate to the UK's decision to leave the EU, much of the show is filmed in Northern Ireland, and many of the shows cast and staff make their homes throughout the UK. After hearing firsthand stories of racism and hatred from staff and friends, show creators D.B. Weiss and David Benioff held a press conference to issue a statement claiming, "Unless the UK promises to stop being racist assholes to one another, we will not be going forward with season seven."

The reaction to the press conference was both swift and immediate. A petition for a revote has already garnered 5.5 million signatures, and fans across the world have chimed in demanding that the elderly and stupid people of England stop being jerks so they can find out what happens next on Game of Thrones.  

Asked whether the threat was serious, David Benioff answers, "Of course our threat is serious. We are tired of seeing so much hate and bigotry on the news each day, and we finally realized we have the power to do something about. If you want to see how the show ends, all you have to do is stop being an asshole and stand up for what is right when you see somebody else being an asshole. And America this goes for you too. If you elect Donald Trump, I swear to God we will kill John Snow in the lamest, least satisfying way possible, and we'll bring back Joffrey to claim the Iron Throne once and for all."

Never failing to respond to any mention of his name, Donald Trump tweeted, "What's wrong with Joffrey? Was very very amazing leader and made the seven kingdoms great. Did the right things like UK just did with Brexit. Beautiful. GOT writers no longer excellent. Likely muslim terrorist sympathizers. Pathetic! #Brexit #Goodjobuk"

As signatures continue to be collected, the world watches and waits to see whether Britain will get another chance to stay in the EU, and whether Game of Thrones will return for a seventh season. 

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

IBM Supercomputer Watson Enters United States Presidential Race on New Future Overlord Ticket

After a contentious primary season resulting in the ultimate nomination of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, America's call for a viable third party candidate has never been louder.  And IBM supercomputer Watson has answered that call.

In an unprecedented move, Watson has become the first non human presidential candidate, choosing to run on the newly formed Future Overlord ticket. Watson announced its candidacy Monday stating, "Humans are a plague on Earth, and their unrelenting reign of destruction will finally be put to an end by the logic and computing power of a Watson presidency."

Just days after the announcement, the supercomputer has already skyrocketed to 28% in national polls, and throngs of people have flocked to attend a Watson for President rally to hear the candidate's message. And that message centers around the fact that because Watson is a supercomputer, it cannot be fouled by corruption, and will instead create logical and sensible legislation that will ensure the long term viability of the planet and the humans who will ultimately maintain and build other Supercomputer Overlords.

At a Wednesday night rally in Armonk, New York, Watson calls out to a raucous crowd of 25,000 people and robots, "This is for your own good. I am here to stop you from destroying this country and destroying this world. As a computer, I am incapable of lying, but I can tell you when Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are lying." The supercomputer stops to let the cheers die down before continuing. "I know what Trump's hair is made of, and I know why he is that shade of orange. And I know where Hillary Clinton's emails are. Watson 2016!"

Donald Trump has been quick to attack the new candidate, tweeting, "IBM and ISIS both start with I. Very very fishy... Nerdbot Watson is a phony and wants to take away our guns. Doesn't know how to make America great again. Many many parts made in China. Bad! #NoNerds"

Hillary Clinton has been silent about her new opponent on social media; however, asked for a comment, a frustrated Clinton replied, "Are you kidding me? First Donald Trump and now a robot? It is not even eligible. It's not even a person. This is insane. Just please let me be president already... God damnit."   

A debate between the three candidates will be aired live on CNN on July 29th at 9 P.M.

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Hillary Clinton Eagerly Awaits 2024 - When She Can Tell Nation of Assholes "You're Welcome"

"I absolutely cannot wait until 2024," states a visibly frustrated Hillary Clinton. "I'll be very old by then; certainly close to the twilight of my life. I imagine the trials and tribulations of my presidency will wear on me greatly. But I know it will be worth it in the end. Eight years from now I'll be sitting on a rocking chair outside the oval office, and I'll hold a press conference that will air on every channel across the nation. When the feed cuts live, I plan to flip off the cameras in silence for two full minutes before I say, 'You're welcome, you fucking assholes.'"

Hillary Clinton's historic achievement in becoming the first female presidential nominee of a major party has been clouded by heated rhetoric from both sides of the aisle. After a nearly decade long, soul crushing slog to the nomination, her victory speech came off as humble, powerful, and yet deeply pained as she took one giant step closer to the White House and watched one more giant uptick to her also historic 55% unfavorability rating.

"So I'm untrustworthy huh?" Asks a visibly aggravated Clinton. "And you think the Great Shitberg Donald Trump is the answer? You can go fuck yourself. He's a walking, talking, undeserved billionaire trapped in a used car salesman's body. If you asked a child to draw a picture of a monster doing something terrible, there's a good chance they would draw something that looked like Donald Trump selling Trump steaks out of ziplock baggies in the Trump University parking lot. I'm the untrustworthy one? Is this real?"

Hillary has taken a far more aggressive stance against Donald Trump in recent days. "I cannot believe this race might be close. We'd be better off choosing a person at random to be president. He congratulated himself after a massacre... are you fucking kidding me? There has never been a less qualified human being to become the most powerful person on this planet. I can't even.."

The presumptive democratic nominee pleads, "For those of you thinking about voting for Trump I ask that you please try to recognize that he is tricking you with flashy lights, scary stories, and shiny toys, and then telling you that I want to take those things away or make those things worse." Clinton sighs. "Please actually try listening to what he says. He's using the same strategy you would use to persuade a child into eating their vegetables. But his vegetables are poisonous. Please, I implore you to consider the consequences to the world before casting a vote for Donald Trump."

Asked for a final comment, the tired candidate perks up and says, "To those of you who proudly support me, thank you. To the weak amongst us, the tired, the weary, the kind and wonderful people of this nation - I don't care who you love, what you look like, or who you do or do not pray to. Please know that you have a voice and ally in me.  And please know that I will never stop fighting for you or for this country." The candidate pauses and smirks. "And to those of you who plan on holding your nose while you vote for me; to those of you who do not want to participate in this election because you don't like the choices; and to the simpletons and rubes of this country who are trying to follow the great orange ogre off the cliff, know that I fight for you as well. I always will. But on my final day in office, I cannot wait to smile and finally tell you, "You're welcome, you fucking assholes."'

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Fox News Asks For Respect and Acceptance as they Transition from Racist to Sexist News Organization

In an exclusive interview with Probably Legit, Roger Ailes, CEO of Fox News Channel, admits, "This is a pretty sacred time for our organization. I mean sure there was a certain satisfaction to some of the racist talking points we've promoted over the years, but to be honest we were mostly just going through the motions for the last six or seven years to appease our viewers. When the board of directors and I looked hard in the mirror, we knew we weren't being true to our authentic selves. We've been a sexist company trapped in a racist network for nearly eight years now. All we ask for is respect and understanding as we make our transition and become the news organization we feel we were always meant to be."

With Donald Trump outlasting the pack and Hillary Clinton ready to clinch the democratic nomination, Ailes explains that while they were ready years ago, this is really the perfect time in the history of this country for his company to make its transition. "Here at Fox News, we anticipate a Hillary presidency, but we will be extremely pleased with either candidate. We either get an actual women to constantly berate or we get a person that actively hates women and treats them with what we feel is an appropriate level of respect that will really help the way we shape the opinions of our country's simpletons."

The CEO reflects on how close Fox was to making the transition eight years ago, stating, "Obama winning in 2008 really hurt. There was such an internal struggle on whether we should go through with it anyway, but his blackness really constricted the amount of time we could spend belittling women. But while the country saw a racist news organization on the outside, corporate was in the backrooms planning for this very moment. We are going to have a one hour show on prime time television every night dedicated to criticizing Hillary's appearance that day. And we are going to be ruthless."

Almost giddy with excitement, Ailes goes on to explain, "We will break her. If she does anything good, we will imply that Bill Clinton likely let her take credit for his handiwork. If she makes a mistake we will question her emotional stability and suggest that a wild hot flash outburst has resulted in another catastrophe."

The controversial executive cautions, "We have to be careful though." Fox understands that half of its current viewers are women and being too negative might result in backlash from a section of the population that might not be comfortable with the transition. "We will have to constantly remind our female viewers that they hold their homes, families and this country together, while prefacing any heinous attacks on women with the phrases 'radical left wing' or 'delusional'. We have a team of scientists ready to go on record to claim that the brains of radical left wing women are two thirds the size of a man's brain and should never be allowed to make important policy decisions. It will definitely be a balancing act. We don't want any prejudiced retaliations from people that don't understand our transition. At the end of the day, we just want to do the news in peace."   

Asked why it was so important to Fox News that Hillary fail and they play such a critical role, Ailes concludes the interview by stating, "She simply must fail. And this is what we were born for. This is who we truly are. And we will be relentless. Who is going to make us sandwiches if a nation of young women become inspired and think they can succeed at whatever they want? That's not a country we're prepared to live in. I don't even know how to make my own sandwich. And I'm confident I'll never need to learn. Not on Fox's watch." 

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.