Hole Trump Digging for America Now 57 Feet Deep

It was another chaotic week for Trump. He watched his lead lawyer John Dowd resign as the Russian investigation gains steam, while also facing lawsuits from a reality TV star, a former Playboy Playmate, and a porn star. Trump and his political party also faced marches across the nation where over one million citizens marched for their lives in protest of gun violence. As scandals and blunders plague Trump and his administration from all sides, he has taken out his frustrations by engaging in trade wars and taunting adversaries and allies alike via tweets; and, of course, by continuing his project of digging a gigantic hole for America. 

Probably Legit asked digging expert, Marissa Tallmadge, to evaluate the hole and provide commentary on the president's progress. "Well, he's not even efficiently digging the hole if that is his main intention," begins Marissa. "It looks like he is just haphazardly digging at random. But what most diggers would consider huge blunders, have actually worked out in the president's favor if his intention is to never get out of the hole and make it as dangerous and as deep as possible. He has a penchant for digging small tunnels without thought or foresight to the structure and integrity of the hole. Nearly all of those little tunnels will surely collapse."

Asked if the president is doing anything well, Marissa explains, "To his credit, he never stops digging. Ever. He is making this hole deeper and deeper by the day. The hole is already 57 feet deep. That's pretty incredible for someone who clearly has no knowledge of digging or craftsmanship."  

Asked for a final statement about the hole, Marissa warns, "He is not thinking about, or building, any ways out of this hole. There are no ramps, ladders, ropes, anything. In fact, the little tunnels he digging at random that will all eventually collapse will actually make it even harder to get out of then it is now. I think he wants to bring everyone down into the hole with him."  

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Trump Nervously Asks Kellyanne Conway if his Inauguration Crowd had more People than Weekend Marches

After 'executive time' Monday morning, sources close to the president tell Probably Legit that Trump sulked out of his room, looking at the ground, biting his lip, and kicking his shoes. He then peaked up slightly and shyly asked Kellyanne Conway, who was in the oval office at the time, "More people came to my inauguration than went to the March for Our Lives protests, right?"

The president had just watched a Fox & Friends segment which mentioned large crowds around the country Saturday and tears were beginning to well in his eyes. Kellyanne Conway quickly responded, "There there, hon. Come now, it's ok! Of course more people came to your inauguration! They love you sweetie! The people marching this weekend love you too! You have inspired a nation, hon! There there! Now which good president wants a popsicle?"

Trump's attitude immediately shifted and he then loudly proclaimed, "I'm a good president! I want a popsicle!"  

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Frustrated Trump Consults Fox & Friends on How to Make Gun Problem Go Away – Gets Terrible Advice

Reports from the White House indicate that President Trump has been more frustrated than usual during his 57th consecutive week of disaster, controversy, allegations, and critical missteps. But this time the president’s frustrations stem from an issue he thought would have gone away by now. An aide, wishing to remain anonymous, tells Probably Legit, “Usually when there is a shooting we can tell people we are praying for them and then establish a narrative that works with our donor’s beliefs until people forget about it, but for some reason this one is just different. At least we’ve been able to avoid some Russia questions, but now people are expecting Trump to do something about guns.”

And the aide is right. As pointed out by many, the Republican response to mass shootings has typically been to send thoughts and prayers via a tweet and then to condemn the shooter as a mentally ill criminal while simultaneously pivoting to a rigorous defense of the right to purchase guns. But with the GOP in control of the House, the Senate, and the presidency, people are beginning to cry foul in regards to what they feel are empty words and the hypocrisy of that narrative. And now, as always, Trump is seeking guidance from the most powerful show in the world, Fox & Friends, on how to solve America’s mass shooting crisis.     

But will America be safer with policy enacted from the ramblings and exhausted suggestions from a morning TV show on its 10th consecutive day of coverage? On Friday, Trump quoted Steve Doocy directly when he issued multiple tweets stating, “There’s never been a mass shooting in a prison. Maybe we could have fencing with barbed wires and armed guards in towers at every school. Or maybe I could make a law that says all clothes in America must now be bulletproof? Would that be good? Or maybe each child could be issued a paintball gun. With a lot of paintball guns shooting, it might slow active shooters down. We could maybe put a yellow marking on the paintball guns so police officers could identify between good kids and mentally ill sicko shooters. But then a sicko shooter might also put a yellow marking on their gun… but, it will all work itself out in the law or whatever. You’ll be safer than ever. Believe me.”

Will this time be different? A fed up nation waits.

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Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

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Trump Celebrates 2,000th Lie as President with 100th Vacation Day at Mar-a-Lago

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago golf club spared no expense to help the president celebrate his 2,000th presidential lie Tuesday. The resort hosted an extravagant Fake News Buster party and presented Trump with a gold inlaid certificate of achievement. The president has recently taken to referring to his lies as ‘Fake News Busters’ and has repeatedly touted his ability in doing so as well as his high number of ‘busts’. Trump has averaged an incredible 6.33 official lies per day since becoming president and the celebration of his 2,000th lie will mark the 100th day out of 316 that he has spent at Mar-a-Lago. Experts have estimated that the party will cost tax payers over $3 million.

What was the president's 2,000th official lie? Right before boarding Air Force One to fly to his resort, Donald Trump tweeted, “Very, very busy day planned at Mar-a-Lago. Will be working tremendously hard for the American people to stop the demon democrats from ruining planet with the help of CNN… I will not let them kill our babies or take our guns or steal our hard earned tax dollars to buy mansion-prisons for thug criminals and illegal aliens that are murdering rapists.”

Eric Shultz, a bipartisan, fact checking expert, shakes his head and sighs. He tells Probably Legit, “Technically, this tweet contains multiple factual inaccuracies. For instance, he claims that he has a busy day planned, but the only things on Trump’s official schedule are '1) Fox n’ Friends time. 2) Golf 3) Yummy chicken fingers'. If we wanted, we could go line by line and likely identify and call out 10 unique lies, but because they were all contained in one official statement from the President of the United States, our policy is to consider this entire message as just one lie. It is his 2,000th.”

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Jeff Sessions Robot Still Stuck In ‘I Do Not Recall’ Loop

It has been just six days since the Attorney General Robot, Jeff Sessions, testified before the House Judiciary Committee. The committee was split in their lines of questioning. House republicans repeatedly asked the robot if he planned to investigate fabricated Clinton scandals, while house democrats demanded answers on alleged collusion with Russia and the robot’s previous testimony under oath.

The hearing appeared to be standard with no new revelations until New York Democrat Jerrold Nadler took the Sessions-bot down a line of questioning that ultimately led to an answer the Attorney General would repeat 280 times over the remainder of the hearing. “I do not recall.” Multiple sources in attendance of the hearing reported seeing a small puff of smoke come from the robot’s left ear before it twitched and repeated the phrase three times in quick succession. One source states, “I think part of his board fried during that line of questioning and he entered into a talking point loop.”

So far staff at the Attorney General’s office has been unable to fix the malfunction. One staffer, who wishes to stay anonymous, tells Probably Legit, “It’s gotten bad. He answers ‘I do not recall’ to everything now. We’ve locked him in a closet while we work on rebuilding a new one. Hopefully it will have a more advanced circuit board that can withstand such vigorous questioning.”

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Steve Bannon – Where are they now?

Steve Bannon, possibly Trump’s most controversial cabinet member, lasted until just August 18th as the president’s chief strategist. The Breitbart chairman, a beacon of the far right, held close ties to white supremacists and their message, and set the tone for much of the president’s campaign and first six months in office. He was forced to resign after a blistering run of public spats with other cabinet members. But where is he now?    

An aide to the former chief strategist reports following Bannon to his car after his resignation to bring him a jacket he had left behind. But that is when things got weird. The aide reports, “I was looking right at him, walking maybe 25 yards ahead of me. And then his clothes just crumbled to the ground a pack of large rats scurried away together. I don’t… I just don’t know…”

After the report, a team of scientists watched all of Bannon’s former interviews and speeches and discovered a revelation.  One scientist states, “It’s amazing that this wasn’t discovered earlier. After viewing the tapes, our hypothesis is that the things he was saying were so absurd that nobody seemed to notice that he was actually some sort of monster made up of roughly 300-400 rabid rats disguised as a human.”

The whereabouts of the rabid rats that were once our nation’s chief strategist are mostly unknown. There have been scattered reports of sightings near Breitbart headquarters, but scientists believe the pack will relocate to a cave, breed, and then return later as an even more ferocious army.

Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

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Koch Industries Develops Special Custom Fitted Diaper for Donald Trump to Wear During Extra Long Hate Speeches

"This has been a challenging election cycle so far," states Koch Industries spokesperson Ron Howell. "Donald Trump is really unlike anything we have ever seen. In the past, the GOP presidential candidate was a well oiled puppet at this stage of the game; we typically have nearly complete control by March at the latest. It has been rather frustrating and a bit unnerving to be so shut out this time around, but when we saw the opportunity to develop a custom fitted hate speech diaper for Mr. Trump, we knew we had our in."

Charles Koch, the CEO and founding shareholder of Koch Industries, has been credited with discovering the opportunity. While attending a Trump rally, the CEO noted that Trump's speech about which countries, races, and religions were a threat to America was interrupted often and for seemingly random intervals where the candidate would disappear backstage. Multiple sources inside the company report that two days later, in an aha moment, the CEO called an emergency board meeting where he declared, "Nothing halts the momentum of a passionate hate speech like a bathroom break. I think we need to build this man a customized diaper."

And build that man a diaper they did. Koch Industries diverted nearly all of their research and development budget into designing the perfect hate speech diaper. Ron Howell states, "We put everything into the development of this diaper. Flawless measurements. A comfortable, flexible, no chaffing, no rash design. Multiple, stylish Trump logos. And the best high-absorbent technology on Earth. We didn't have the greatest of relationships with Donald Trump going in, and this was going to be our peace offering. It had to be perfect."

The Koch brothers and Howell met with Donald Trump on Monday to publicly endorse the candidate and to gift him with the first 10 custom fitted diapers. Howell claims, "Obviously he was a little thrown off when we presented him with the diapers, but he warmed up when we told him what they were for, and that we just wanted our candidate to be comfortable, happy and dry while he inspires the nation. At the very least I think we opened the door to a future working relationship."

It appears Donald Trump agrees. After the meeting and the uninterrupted rally that followed, the candidate tweeted, "Cincinnati has fantastic amazing folks. Great great folks that want their country back. Never felt more comfortable on stage. Or dry. Really inspired the crowd with best speech ever! Comfy. Winning. Strong! #americanbusiness"

Asked for a final comment, Ron Howell states, "We're hoping he'll reach out soon to request more hate diapers and that we can continue to talk and build our relationship. We might not ever get to the level control that we've grown accustomed to, but with enough diapers and hard work we're confident that we can once again find our voice in a Trump presidency. And now that Donald doesn't break for his extra long hate speeches, his supporters are demanding diapers of their own so they don't have to miss a second of it. We might have a whole new market on our hands. We're really excited here."

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IBM Supercomputer Watson Enters United States Presidential Race on New Future Overlord Ticket

After a contentious primary season resulting in the ultimate nomination of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, America's call for a viable third party candidate has never been louder.  And IBM supercomputer Watson has answered that call.

In an unprecedented move, Watson has become the first non human presidential candidate, choosing to run on the newly formed Future Overlord ticket. Watson announced its candidacy Monday stating, "Humans are a plague on Earth, and their unrelenting reign of destruction will finally be put to an end by the logic and computing power of a Watson presidency."

Just days after the announcement, the supercomputer has already skyrocketed to 28% in national polls, and throngs of people have flocked to attend a Watson for President rally to hear the candidate's message. And that message centers around the fact that because Watson is a supercomputer, it cannot be fouled by corruption, and will instead create logical and sensible legislation that will ensure the long term viability of the planet and the humans who will ultimately maintain and build other Supercomputer Overlords.

At a Wednesday night rally in Armonk, New York, Watson calls out to a raucous crowd of 25,000 people and robots, "This is for your own good. I am here to stop you from destroying this country and destroying this world. As a computer, I am incapable of lying, but I can tell you when Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are lying." The supercomputer stops to let the cheers die down before continuing. "I know what Trump's hair is made of, and I know why he is that shade of orange. And I know where Hillary Clinton's emails are. Watson 2016!"

Donald Trump has been quick to attack the new candidate, tweeting, "IBM and ISIS both start with I. Very very fishy... Nerdbot Watson is a phony and wants to take away our guns. Doesn't know how to make America great again. Many many parts made in China. Bad! #NoNerds"

Hillary Clinton has been silent about her new opponent on social media; however, asked for a comment, a frustrated Clinton replied, "Are you kidding me? First Donald Trump and now a robot? It is not even eligible. It's not even a person. This is insane. Just please let me be president already... God damnit."   

A debate between the three candidates will be aired live on CNN on July 29th at 9 P.M.

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Hillary Clinton Eagerly Awaits 2024 - When She Can Tell Nation of Assholes "You're Welcome"

"I absolutely cannot wait until 2024," states a visibly frustrated Hillary Clinton. "I'll be very old by then; certainly close to the twilight of my life. I imagine the trials and tribulations of my presidency will wear on me greatly. But I know it will be worth it in the end. Eight years from now I'll be sitting on a rocking chair outside the oval office, and I'll hold a press conference that will air on every channel across the nation. When the feed cuts live, I plan to flip off the cameras in silence for two full minutes before I say, 'You're welcome, you fucking assholes.'"

Hillary Clinton's historic achievement in becoming the first female presidential nominee of a major party has been clouded by heated rhetoric from both sides of the aisle. After a nearly decade long, soul crushing slog to the nomination, her victory speech came off as humble, powerful, and yet deeply pained as she took one giant step closer to the White House and watched one more giant uptick to her also historic 55% unfavorability rating.

"So I'm untrustworthy huh?" Asks a visibly aggravated Clinton. "And you think the Great Shitberg Donald Trump is the answer? You can go fuck yourself. He's a walking, talking, undeserved billionaire trapped in a used car salesman's body. If you asked a child to draw a picture of a monster doing something terrible, there's a good chance they would draw something that looked like Donald Trump selling Trump steaks out of ziplock baggies in the Trump University parking lot. I'm the untrustworthy one? Is this real?"

Hillary has taken a far more aggressive stance against Donald Trump in recent days. "I cannot believe this race might be close. We'd be better off choosing a person at random to be president. He congratulated himself after a massacre... are you fucking kidding me? There has never been a less qualified human being to become the most powerful person on this planet. I can't even.."

The presumptive democratic nominee pleads, "For those of you thinking about voting for Trump I ask that you please try to recognize that he is tricking you with flashy lights, scary stories, and shiny toys, and then telling you that I want to take those things away or make those things worse." Clinton sighs. "Please actually try listening to what he says. He's using the same strategy you would use to persuade a child into eating their vegetables. But his vegetables are poisonous. Please, I implore you to consider the consequences to the world before casting a vote for Donald Trump."

Asked for a final comment, the tired candidate perks up and says, "To those of you who proudly support me, thank you. To the weak amongst us, the tired, the weary, the kind and wonderful people of this nation - I don't care who you love, what you look like, or who you do or do not pray to. Please know that you have a voice and ally in me.  And please know that I will never stop fighting for you or for this country." The candidate pauses and smirks. "And to those of you who plan on holding your nose while you vote for me; to those of you who do not want to participate in this election because you don't like the choices; and to the simpletons and rubes of this country who are trying to follow the great orange ogre off the cliff, know that I fight for you as well. I always will. But on my final day in office, I cannot wait to smile and finally tell you, "You're welcome, you fucking assholes."'

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CEO of CNN Weighs Ad Revenue of a Trump Presidency Against Potential Nuclear Winter

"This is uncharted territory for CNN," reports John K. Martin, CEO of Turner Broadcasting, parent company of CNN. "An actual contender for the President of the United States could call somebody a gross, fat pig monster, or tweet a racial slur at any moment. Ad buys have never been higher."

Since the controversial presidential hopeful announced his candidacy, the CEO of CNN has dedicated 16 hours each day to Donald Trump coverage. "The moment he threw his hat in the ring we knew we'd be riding that sweet, sweet breaking news wave all the way to an enormous mountain of cash. We did so well in the fourth quarter of 2015, that I bought another yacht. Love him or hate him; Donald Trump is fantastic television."

While Martin has reaped the rewards of ever growing advertisement buys, he worries that there may be unintended consequences to his company's unfettered quest for profit. The CEO states, "Listen - I have a fiduciary responsibility to our shareholders to maximize profits;  and unfortunately that has meant more and more Trump coverage. We had intended to introduce our audience to the drug that is Donald News, and sell them enough of it that we could coast through the low ratings of a Hillary presidency, but I'm afraid we have taken it too far. Trump is heroin. And America is hooked."

Martin reflects, "My God, we've gotten out of control. Just last month we interrupted a newscast so that Anderson Cooper could break the 'news' that Trump had entered into a twitter feud with Kanye West. He read 30 back and forth tweets and analyzed each response. We didn't even cut back to the news after he was done. We just moved on to a panel of experts for a debate on whether or not Trump could murder somebody on live TV and still maintain such fierce loyalty from his supporters. We broadcast this kind of episode so often that I am nervous our audience won't want the show to stop come November."

Asked for a final comment, the now solemn CEO sighs, "What if our ceaseless coverage actually plays a role in giving this man the nuclear codes? It would be good news for CNN's profit margins, but really horrible news for people that don't like the idea of nuclear winter. I don't know what to do. Do we see how far we can take it and how much money CNN can make, or do we figure out how to wean America off of this lunacy? What good is a yacht voyage anyway if the sky is raining ash and we can't see the sun because somebody in China called our president a big orange idiot?"  

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Terrified Republican Field Anxiously Paces Political Suicide Range as Donald Trump Prepares to Choose Running Mate

"Everybody's really scared," reports Rick Perry, potential Vice President nominee. "The speeches. The defending of tweets. The decades of shame it will ultimately bring to one of our families. Nobody wants to take that bullet."

And it will be an actual bullet. Earlier this week Donald Trump tweeted, "Found out I couldn't nominate myself for VP. What a bummer! Will have to pick some ingrate. Going to choose by shooting them with a paintball and making them kiss the ring. #makeamericagreatagain"

The 3 A.M. tweet has now transformed into a new talking point at rallies. Throngs of Trump supporters now cheer wildly and chant 'Shoot their faces!' as the presumptive GOP nominee waves a large paintball gun and calls out potential running mates.

Asked if he really plans to go through with the shooting in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Trump states, "Of course I do. These are nasty, nasty people, and they have all said some really nasty, awful things about me. They need to be punished. Shooting them with a paintball gun is really letting them off easy if you think about it. And making them kneel to kiss my ring will show Americans they are really sorry and they are ready to make America great again. I want to unite this party. And this is the best way. It's going to be a lot of fun."

Chris Christie disagrees. The earliest Trump backer appears to be the mostly likely choice for vice president, but the New Jersey Governor admits he might be in over his head. "This is a terrifying time for the party. If you are too eager to support Donald, you risk political suicide. If you and are too opposed to Donald and don't show up for this ceremony, you risk aggravating what is apparently now our base. Again, political suicide. I think we're all waiting for some white knight to ride in and take the bullet for all of us. Of course I've thought about it, but I have my career and my family's shame to think about. I'm not ready to be a Fox News pundit just yet." 

The visibly nervous Christie goes on to say, "I imagine most of us will be hiding in the back of the shooting range trying not to make eye contact with him. He bought a custom made Smith and Wesson paintball rifle with the words 'VP Maker' engraved on it. I've seen it. It's huge. It's going to destroy somebody's career and it is going to really hurt somebody's face. I hope it's not mine."  

 CNN will broadcast the vice president choosing ceremony live on Thursday, May 26th. 

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Alarming Number of Google Searches Now Beginning with "I'm a good Christian, but..."

Analysts at Google discovered a trend starting in 2008 when a few pockets of citizens in the south began searches with the phrase; however, new research shows that nearly eight percent of all searches in America now begin with the phrase, "I'm a good Christian, but...".

Tom Gallagher, a senior analyst with Google, comments, "The fact that nearly eight percent of the country is actually typing in 'I'm a good Christian, but...' before completing their search command is simply a fascinating phenomenon. I mean, you don't have to do that."

The analyst goes on to explain that searches with the unnecessary opening phrase that began in 2008, typically also included the then presidential candidate Barack Obama. An example of a popular search in 2008 was, "I'm a good Christian, but I don't trust the Muslim, Barack Obama." Tom points out, "This isn't even necessarily a proper search. It was more of a statement that people from the south would type into their computers eight years ago."

Now, in 2016, President Obama continues to maintain a strong presence in searches that begin with the opening caveat; however, analysts indicate that the phrase now seems to also be included with completely unrelated search requests. Mr. Gallagher explains, "It appears that the phrase has become so common, that people no longer notice that they include it at the beginning of most sentences. It's just as common now to see searches that start, 'I'm a good Christian, but yummy steak near me' or 'I'm a good Christian, but closest walmart.'"

The analysts at Google claim their search algorithms simply ignore the unneeded opening statement, but insist that they will continue tracking the phenomenon.  

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