Hillary Clinton Eagerly Awaits 2024 - When She Can Tell Nation of Assholes "You're Welcome"
"I absolutely cannot wait until 2024," states a visibly frustrated Hillary Clinton. "I'll be very old by then; certainly close to the twilight of my life. I imagine the trials and tribulations of my presidency will wear on me greatly. But I know it will be worth it in the end. Eight years from now I'll be sitting on a rocking chair outside the oval office, and I'll hold a press conference that will air on every channel across the nation. When the feed cuts live, I plan to flip off the cameras in silence for two full minutes before I say, 'You're welcome, you fucking assholes.'"
Hillary Clinton's historic achievement in becoming the first female presidential nominee of a major party has been clouded by heated rhetoric from both sides of the aisle. After a nearly decade long, soul crushing slog to the nomination, her victory speech came off as humble, powerful, and yet deeply pained as she took one giant step closer to the White House and watched one more giant uptick to her also historic 55% unfavorability rating.
"So I'm untrustworthy huh?" Asks a visibly aggravated Clinton. "And you think the Great Shitberg Donald Trump is the answer? You can go fuck yourself. He's a walking, talking, undeserved billionaire trapped in a used car salesman's body. If you asked a child to draw a picture of a monster doing something terrible, there's a good chance they would draw something that looked like Donald Trump selling Trump steaks out of ziplock baggies in the Trump University parking lot. I'm the untrustworthy one? Is this real?"
Hillary has taken a far more aggressive stance against Donald Trump in recent days. "I cannot believe this race might be close. We'd be better off choosing a person at random to be president. He congratulated himself after a massacre... are you fucking kidding me? There has never been a less qualified human being to become the most powerful person on this planet. I can't even.."
The presumptive democratic nominee pleads, "For those of you thinking about voting for Trump I ask that you please try to recognize that he is tricking you with flashy lights, scary stories, and shiny toys, and then telling you that I want to take those things away or make those things worse." Clinton sighs. "Please actually try listening to what he says. He's using the same strategy you would use to persuade a child into eating their vegetables. But his vegetables are poisonous. Please, I implore you to consider the consequences to the world before casting a vote for Donald Trump."
Asked for a final comment, the tired candidate perks up and says, "To those of you who proudly support me, thank you. To the weak amongst us, the tired, the weary, the kind and wonderful people of this nation - I don't care who you love, what you look like, or who you do or do not pray to. Please know that you have a voice and ally in me. And please know that I will never stop fighting for you or for this country." The candidate pauses and smirks. "And to those of you who plan on holding your nose while you vote for me; to those of you who do not want to participate in this election because you don't like the choices; and to the simpletons and rubes of this country who are trying to follow the great orange ogre off the cliff, know that I fight for you as well. I always will. But on my final day in office, I cannot wait to smile and finally tell you, "You're welcome, you fucking assholes."'
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