Hole Trump Digging for America Now 57 Feet Deep

It was another chaotic week for Trump. He watched his lead lawyer John Dowd resign as the Russian investigation gains steam, while also facing lawsuits from a reality TV star, a former Playboy Playmate, and a porn star. Trump and his political party also faced marches across the nation where over one million citizens marched for their lives in protest of gun violence. As scandals and blunders plague Trump and his administration from all sides, he has taken out his frustrations by engaging in trade wars and taunting adversaries and allies alike via tweets; and, of course, by continuing his project of digging a gigantic hole for America. 

Probably Legit asked digging expert, Marissa Tallmadge, to evaluate the hole and provide commentary on the president's progress. "Well, he's not even efficiently digging the hole if that is his main intention," begins Marissa. "It looks like he is just haphazardly digging at random. But what most diggers would consider huge blunders, have actually worked out in the president's favor if his intention is to never get out of the hole and make it as dangerous and as deep as possible. He has a penchant for digging small tunnels without thought or foresight to the structure and integrity of the hole. Nearly all of those little tunnels will surely collapse."

Asked if the president is doing anything well, Marissa explains, "To his credit, he never stops digging. Ever. He is making this hole deeper and deeper by the day. The hole is already 57 feet deep. That's pretty incredible for someone who clearly has no knowledge of digging or craftsmanship."  

Asked for a final statement about the hole, Marissa warns, "He is not thinking about, or building, any ways out of this hole. There are no ramps, ladders, ropes, anything. In fact, the little tunnels he digging at random that will all eventually collapse will actually make it even harder to get out of then it is now. I think he wants to bring everyone down into the hole with him."  

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Trump Nervously Asks Kellyanne Conway if his Inauguration Crowd had more People than Weekend Marches

After 'executive time' Monday morning, sources close to the president tell Probably Legit that Trump sulked out of his room, looking at the ground, biting his lip, and kicking his shoes. He then peaked up slightly and shyly asked Kellyanne Conway, who was in the oval office at the time, "More people came to my inauguration than went to the March for Our Lives protests, right?"

The president had just watched a Fox & Friends segment which mentioned large crowds around the country Saturday and tears were beginning to well in his eyes. Kellyanne Conway quickly responded, "There there, hon. Come now, it's ok! Of course more people came to your inauguration! They love you sweetie! The people marching this weekend love you too! You have inspired a nation, hon! There there! Now which good president wants a popsicle?"

Trump's attitude immediately shifted and he then loudly proclaimed, "I'm a good president! I want a popsicle!"  

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Frustrated Trump Consults Fox & Friends on How to Make Gun Problem Go Away – Gets Terrible Advice

Reports from the White House indicate that President Trump has been more frustrated than usual during his 57th consecutive week of disaster, controversy, allegations, and critical missteps. But this time the president’s frustrations stem from an issue he thought would have gone away by now. An aide, wishing to remain anonymous, tells Probably Legit, “Usually when there is a shooting we can tell people we are praying for them and then establish a narrative that works with our donor’s beliefs until people forget about it, but for some reason this one is just different. At least we’ve been able to avoid some Russia questions, but now people are expecting Trump to do something about guns.”

And the aide is right. As pointed out by many, the Republican response to mass shootings has typically been to send thoughts and prayers via a tweet and then to condemn the shooter as a mentally ill criminal while simultaneously pivoting to a rigorous defense of the right to purchase guns. But with the GOP in control of the House, the Senate, and the presidency, people are beginning to cry foul in regards to what they feel are empty words and the hypocrisy of that narrative. And now, as always, Trump is seeking guidance from the most powerful show in the world, Fox & Friends, on how to solve America’s mass shooting crisis.     

But will America be safer with policy enacted from the ramblings and exhausted suggestions from a morning TV show on its 10th consecutive day of coverage? On Friday, Trump quoted Steve Doocy directly when he issued multiple tweets stating, “There’s never been a mass shooting in a prison. Maybe we could have fencing with barbed wires and armed guards in towers at every school. Or maybe I could make a law that says all clothes in America must now be bulletproof? Would that be good? Or maybe each child could be issued a paintball gun. With a lot of paintball guns shooting, it might slow active shooters down. We could maybe put a yellow marking on the paintball guns so police officers could identify between good kids and mentally ill sicko shooters. But then a sicko shooter might also put a yellow marking on their gun… but, it will all work itself out in the law or whatever. You’ll be safer than ever. Believe me.”

Will this time be different? A fed up nation waits.

*Please follow us Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Also, please support students around the country as they march for their lives on 3/24/2018. And be good to each other. 

Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

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White House Aide Finds Trump’s Crumpled Up New Year’s Resolutions

It was another stressful week for citizens of the United States and the world, as Donald Trump threatened to start a nuclear war and revelations about his mental health were once again brought to the limelight by Michael Wolff’s depiction of the president in his book Fire and Fury. But in the hectic reporting on new and scary revelations, Trump’s 2018 resolutions went unreported. The president insisted that everyone should believe him that they were beautiful resolutions and would certainly make America great again, and that he would reveal them once they had come true. But now, thanks to the sharp eyes of a White House intern, some of the president’s resolutions have surfaced.

Tim Fairchild claims to have found a sheet of paper that the president wrote his resolutions on crumpled in a trash can just outside of the situation room. Probably Legit examined the document which was written in crayon in large block letters. To the president’s credit, only three words were misspelled. There also appears to be multiple wet marks on the paper. Tim states that he believes they are spills from one of the president’s diet cokes, or maybe tears because of how immediately he failed at each of the resolutions.

Tim also believes that this is only one page of many. He claims, “I believe the Chief of Staff gave Trump a task to distract him after he bragged about the size of his nuclear button and hinted that he would annihilate a country and race of people. It would explain why none of the staff saw the president for a full day after that. Mr. Kelly often gives the president menial tasks to prevent him from making situations worse.”

Tim continues, “I wish I could find the other pages. But even this one is gold. Who would have guessed that he would have insulted Oprah already? And it’s almost like he sabotaged himself by writing that he wouldn’t tweet about how much of a genius he is to shut up the losers and haters. And then the ‘Earn three gold star stickers from Mr. Kelly so I can have a later bedtime.’ Yikes.”

The intern plans to write a bestselling novel about his time in the White House.

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Orrin Hatch says he is 'Grateful' for the NFL's 2017 MVP Award

Just days after Orrin Hatch said he was grateful for an editorial calling for his resignation, the longtime GOP senator from Utah took another misstep when he tweeted his gratitude to the NFL for naming him 2017's MVP. Hatch's tweet was referring to a Sports Illustrated article published Wednesday, 12/27/2017, in which the magazine named the 83 year old Senator MVP of the league. But like the editorial from The Salt Lake Tribune, the title was not intended as a compliment.

The Sports Illustrated article used Hatch as a pawn in a scathing critique of the NFL's lack of urgency in solving its concussion problem. The conclusion of the article states that Hatch must have been experiencing symptoms of a concussion to have thanked a newspaper for demanding his resignation. The magazine warned that if immediate action wasn’t taken, the league would risk being populated with a majority of players suffering from CTE and making mistakes at an Orrin Hatch level or worse. Sports Illustrated also asked for Hatch to resign.

A spokesperson for Hatch released a statement Thursday, reading, “Orrin has proudly served his political campaign donors and an elite circle of Utah residents for nearly 40 years. He has done so honorably and will forever be marked in history for his role in shaping the America we see before us today. Clearly the senator’s tweet was a tongue and cheek remark referring to the booing he often gets from constituents, similar surely to the boos that NFL MVPs often receive at the stadiums of their opponents. The Senator promises to rule over Utah for the next one hundred years with the help of cryogenic freezing. He will never resign.”

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Donald Trump Cuts Line to sit on Santa's Lap at Florida Mall

It has been another busy week for Donald Trump. The president's administration voted to repeal net neutrality rules, and even banned their first seven words, ushering in a frightening era of America's first fascist dictator. On Wednesday afternoon, the president openly gloated to the press which he referred to as his enemies, stating, "The American people have spoken, and when I sign this tax bill I will give my friends and my family enough money to ensure our power deep into the 21st century. Merry Christmas liars and losers." The president declined to field questions from the press, instead walking to Air Force One to applause from his republican colleagues before departing to Mar-a-lago for his second vacation of the week.  

After landing, the president was driven via limousine to the Southdale Shopping Center, a mall just west of Trump's golf resort. Upon exiting the vehicle, multiple witnesses report that the president screamed, "I rule America, and I rule the world! You better give me another juice box before I see Santa, Amy!" Amy, along with another presidential aide, gave the president a juice box and gently guided him into the mall.

Once inside, the president pushed aside two children and tipped over a stroller as he shoved his way to the front of the line to visit Santa. Dave, the man dressed as Santa, tells Probably Legit, "I've never seen anything like it. He was yelling, 'Out of my way, peasants!' and was just pushing kids over. He took one of their ice cream comes, took a bite, and then threw the rest of it at another kid when he reached the front of the line. And then he just stared at me in awe. I truly, honest to God, believe that he thought I was the real Santa Claus. He sat on my lap and talked to me for 15 minutes about what he wanted. I didn't know what to do, so I just nodded along. He asked for some weird things. Like for everyone at CNN to be fired, and to be poor, and to not get food stamps. Another tiger. A prettier wife. 100 chocolate milks and cookies for every day of the year. A ski resort. Like the entire resort. No bedtimes. A 100 foot tall border wall with statues of himself at every mile marker. And for everybody to like him and cheer for him when he walks places. And to tell him they love him. He made me promise I would get him those things before he would get off my lap."

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Fox & Friends Still Hasn't Told Trump That Roy Moore Lost

Democrat Doug Jones narrowly defeated controversial Republican candidate Roy Moore in Alabama's special election Tuesday, marking a severe blow to the Trump/Bannon political machine. But it seems that nobody has told Roy Moore, his supporters, or most importantly, the president. Trump held a campaign-like rally Tuesday evening, and another Wednesday morning, where he repeatedly congratulated Roy Moore on winning his senate seat and for running such a tasteful, non-embarrassing campaign. 

Two of the president's aides attempted to gently break the news after CNN called the race in favor of Jones, but Trump reportedly roared in anger before guzzling a two liter of diet coke and screaming 'Fake News! Fake News!' One aide explains, "He didn't want to hear it. When he starts throwing a tantrum like that we generally just need to give him his binky and another diet coke so he can calm down and forget all of the information that he didn't like. We're just going to wait for Fox & Friends to tell him."

Writers at Fox & Friends were up all night, frantically trying to come up with ideas on how to best inform the president about the news he does not want to hear. Steve Doocy, anchor and head writer for the morning show expresses his concern, "This is really going to be a tightrope walk. Whether we like it or not, we're responsible for the president's mood every day. We don't want the president to think it is his fault or that an entire state hates him. That could lead to him doing something drastic like starting a nuclear war, or worse, to stop watching Fox & Friends and start calling us 'fake news'. Plus, it's going to be really hard to tell him anyway. He is having so much fun at his rallies doing his little plays with Roy. Maybe we'll wait and just tell him tomorrow. "

As of 11:10 AM EST Trump has still not been told the results.

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Trump Celebrates 2,000th Lie as President with 100th Vacation Day at Mar-a-Lago

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago golf club spared no expense to help the president celebrate his 2,000th presidential lie Tuesday. The resort hosted an extravagant Fake News Buster party and presented Trump with a gold inlaid certificate of achievement. The president has recently taken to referring to his lies as ‘Fake News Busters’ and has repeatedly touted his ability in doing so as well as his high number of ‘busts’. Trump has averaged an incredible 6.33 official lies per day since becoming president and the celebration of his 2,000th lie will mark the 100th day out of 316 that he has spent at Mar-a-Lago. Experts have estimated that the party will cost tax payers over $3 million.

What was the president's 2,000th official lie? Right before boarding Air Force One to fly to his resort, Donald Trump tweeted, “Very, very busy day planned at Mar-a-Lago. Will be working tremendously hard for the American people to stop the demon democrats from ruining planet with the help of CNN… I will not let them kill our babies or take our guns or steal our hard earned tax dollars to buy mansion-prisons for thug criminals and illegal aliens that are murdering rapists.”

Eric Shultz, a bipartisan, fact checking expert, shakes his head and sighs. He tells Probably Legit, “Technically, this tweet contains multiple factual inaccuracies. For instance, he claims that he has a busy day planned, but the only things on Trump’s official schedule are '1) Fox n’ Friends time. 2) Golf 3) Yummy chicken fingers'. If we wanted, we could go line by line and likely identify and call out 10 unique lies, but because they were all contained in one official statement from the President of the United States, our policy is to consider this entire message as just one lie. It is his 2,000th.”

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Trump Administration Releases Tone Deaf Ad in Support of Tax Plan

It has been a rocky Monday for Trump and his administration. In a speech honoring Navajo code talkers, the president used a racial slur while referencing Senator Elizabeth Warren. The president has used the slur before, repeatedly and openly calling Warren 'Pocahontas', but Trump didn't need any other mishaps following his earlier disastrous tweet which pictured himself in a bathtub full of money with the caption that read, "Middle class miracle!! How will you spend your $1,000 in tax savings? #MAGA".

Trump is now in hot water for both incidents and is taking particular heat for the advertisement which supports a long held suspicion by the nation that Trump does not know what $1,000 looks like. As the administration has shifted focus towards passing tax reform, Trump and many of his advisors have publicly suggested that the average American could use their extra $1,000 to buy unrealistic things such as a month long safari, a new car, a kitchen remodel, a speedboat, a racehorse, and a fully staffed private jet for six months.

In an awful day for the administration, Trump is now facing backlash from all sides, including resentment from even the fiercest of Trump supporters. Avid Trump supporter Dale Rochette tells Probably Legit, "Who does this guy think he is? I don't even have a bathtub in my house. I'm starting to think that's how much money Mr. Trump will get if they pass that there tax bill. Something just ain't sitting right here. If he makes 17 or 18 more mistakes like this here one, then I might just have to consider not voting for him in the next election!"

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Jeff Sessions Robot Still Stuck In ‘I Do Not Recall’ Loop

It has been just six days since the Attorney General Robot, Jeff Sessions, testified before the House Judiciary Committee. The committee was split in their lines of questioning. House republicans repeatedly asked the robot if he planned to investigate fabricated Clinton scandals, while house democrats demanded answers on alleged collusion with Russia and the robot’s previous testimony under oath.

The hearing appeared to be standard with no new revelations until New York Democrat Jerrold Nadler took the Sessions-bot down a line of questioning that ultimately led to an answer the Attorney General would repeat 280 times over the remainder of the hearing. “I do not recall.” Multiple sources in attendance of the hearing reported seeing a small puff of smoke come from the robot’s left ear before it twitched and repeated the phrase three times in quick succession. One source states, “I think part of his board fried during that line of questioning and he entered into a talking point loop.”

So far staff at the Attorney General’s office has been unable to fix the malfunction. One staffer, who wishes to stay anonymous, tells Probably Legit, “It’s gotten bad. He answers ‘I do not recall’ to everything now. We’ve locked him in a closet while we work on rebuilding a new one. Hopefully it will have a more advanced circuit board that can withstand such vigorous questioning.”

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Nation Not Buying That Donald Trump Jr. Was Unknown Campaign Aide

Just hours after the report that Donald Trump Jr. had privately messaged Wikileaks in an effort to gain access to potentially damning Clinton emails that were accessed through Russian hacks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders took the podium at the White House, looked the press straight in the eye, and told them that Donald Trump Jr. was a low-level campaign aide that most of the administration could not even pick out of a line-up. 

Pressed on the fact that Donald Trump Jr. has the same name as the president, and is the president’s son, Sanders repeated her claim, stating, “Junior was a low level aide. He mostly fetched coffee and babysat Eric. He did not have any direct contact with the president or any of the administration. Any actions he took or messages he sent were done on his own volition. We did not even remember we had Junior as an aide until this report came out.”

Donald Trump Jr. later tweeted his conversations with Wikileaks to the public. In one tweet he added, “This report is nothing. They didn’t even write anything about the messages I sent to Vlad or his family members. Stupid fake news media! #GoGetEmDad #NoCollusion.” A poll taken just one day after the report and the response from the press secretary indicates that 73% of the country does not believe that Trump Jr. was a low level aide.

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Finally! Date set for Trump vs Tillerson IQ Battle Royale

It’s been over a month now since Donald Trump called out Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and publicly challenged the man responsible for preventing World War III to a series of IQ tests. Tillerson has wisely refused to publicly comment on the matter, declining to add to the overwhelming embarrassment already experienced by the United States. But in private he remains confident, as is the majority of the planet that he would win. And finally, a date has been set.

The MGM Grand in Las Vegas will host the IQ contest on January 20th, 2018, the anniversary of Trump’s inauguration. Vegas odds makers are struggling to set the proper odds for the bout. When the announcement was made, initial Trump odds came in at 100,000 to 1, but as of the publishing of this article, odds for Trump to win have increased to 80,000 to 1.

An odds maker spoke with Probably Legit and stated, “If Trump somehow pulls off an upset it will bankrupt nearly every casino in Las Vegas. We’re all a little nervous. Multiple insurance policies have been taken out. I mean, he was the one who challenged Tillerson. He’s got to have some sort of reason to believe he’ll win…but come on…Either way, it will be incredible to watch and horribly embarrassing as a country.”

Officials close to the president claim he is confident. One source reports, “He canceled all TV and play time yesterday to sit with an intern to give guidance and instructions for the creation of the contest’s poster. Despite multiple suggestions to the contrary, he didn’t seem to care that people might not believe he has a six pack, and he insisted that the American public would know that XS glove size means ‘Extra Strong’. I’ve placed a large wager on Secretary Tillerson.”

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Steve Bannon – Where are they now?

Steve Bannon, possibly Trump’s most controversial cabinet member, lasted until just August 18th as the president’s chief strategist. The Breitbart chairman, a beacon of the far right, held close ties to white supremacists and their message, and set the tone for much of the president’s campaign and first six months in office. He was forced to resign after a blistering run of public spats with other cabinet members. But where is he now?    

An aide to the former chief strategist reports following Bannon to his car after his resignation to bring him a jacket he had left behind. But that is when things got weird. The aide reports, “I was looking right at him, walking maybe 25 yards ahead of me. And then his clothes just crumbled to the ground a pack of large rats scurried away together. I don’t… I just don’t know…”

After the report, a team of scientists watched all of Bannon’s former interviews and speeches and discovered a revelation.  One scientist states, “It’s amazing that this wasn’t discovered earlier. After viewing the tapes, our hypothesis is that the things he was saying were so absurd that nobody seemed to notice that he was actually some sort of monster made up of roughly 300-400 rabid rats disguised as a human.”

The whereabouts of the rabid rats that were once our nation’s chief strategist are mostly unknown. There have been scattered reports of sightings near Breitbart headquarters, but scientists believe the pack will relocate to a cave, breed, and then return later as an even more ferocious army.

Management at Fox News Frantically Working Out How to Spin Blatant Treason

It’s been a tough week for management at Fox News according to multiple sources close to the upper echelon of the conservative leaning network. With criminal charges filed against three of Trump’s former staff, and certainly more to come, management has been scrambling to figure out how to spin blatant treason against the United States of America.

One source explains, “They think they can keep deflecting with stories about the DNC, Hillary, and the Russian Dossier. Their base likes large words when they repeat talking points, so ‘dossier’ has been great. But they know they can’t keep that up for too much longer. This is clearly just the beginning of likely indictments for the entire administration. And they don’t know how to spin that yet.”

So far they've considered embracing the treason as an impressive and genius strategy to beat the true enemy - the Clinton political machine. They’ve also considered using a minor footnote in the writings of Thomas Jefferson and interpreting it to mean that the founding fathers would have wanted it this way. And most surprisingly, they’ve considered apologizing to the American people for their complicity and fearmongering for profit scheme that has resulted in the steady downfall of our great nation. What will they end up choosing? Time will tell. And luckily for Fox, many analysts believe they still have a few more weeks to decide their best course. 

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Donald Trump Learns Wrong Lesson From Reading of The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Former president, Barrack Obama, returned to the public eye Thursday when he visited the Georgetown Neighborhood Library and read for the Kindergarten class of Steven's Elementary. Believing the former president was trying to impede on his turf, President Trump canceled his weekly Mar-A-Lago trip to attend the reading.

An aide close Mr. Obama confirmed that the former president anticipated such behavior and he came prepared. When Trump entered the room, Mr. Obama quickly put aside Hansel and Gretel and brought out a picture book of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. The aide explains, "In light of recent accusations and conspiracy theories trumpeted as the truth by our commander and chief, President Obama knew he would have an opportunity to teach Mr. Trump an important life lesson in a medium he would understand and be comfortable with."

And the former president was correct. A small wooden box was strategically placed near a student with glasses, and President Trump took the bait.  He pulled the box in front of the student, climbed on top, turned back and called the child a 'loser' before eagerly turning towards the former president for story time.

Multiple people in the room reported losing President Trump in the crowd almost as soon as he joined the children. One student's parent told Probably Legit, "It was amazing. I legitimately could not find him in the crowd until I went student by student looking for an overly large red tie. But there he was, listening and shuffling around like all of the other kids, totally engrossed in the story."

The former president didn't appear to have the same problem finding Donald Trump in the audience. He read the story slowly, making direct eye contact with Trump during critical plot points. He even adlibbed and changed the name of the boy in the book to Little Donny.

After Mr. Obama finished the story, he turned to the crowd of children and asked, "And what lesson do you smart kids think Little Donny learned when the villagers didn't come when he really needed help?" The 1st grade class yelled in unison, "Don't lie, or people will stop believing you and they won't help you when you actually need it!"

Everybody was eager to find out if the President also learned the same lesson, but Mr. Obama's aide reports, "I thought he might have done it, but I don't think the lesson sunk in. Mr. Obama smiled after the kids correctly answered his question and then he turned to President Trump who was also smiling. But Trump just jumped off his box, said, 'I'm President! And you're not!' and then he pushed the kid with glasses and left the library."

President Trump later confirmed he learned the wrong lesson, or that he is an evil mastermind, when he tweeted, "Great time at book building with kids. Great story told by bad storyteller. Sad. Once the wolf tricks the boy into spreading fake news, he gets to eat all of the sheep. #MakeAmericaGreatAgain"

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President Trump Introduces Plan to Replace Affordable Care Act to Confused Applause

In his first speech to Congress Tuesday, President Trump gave the country a new glimpse at his plan to replace Obamacare. After once again touting the standard GOP talking point of repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act to raucous applause from 40% of the assembly, Mr. Trump elaborated for the first time on what that might actually look like.

"Once the disastrous failed Obamacare is repealed we will replace it with such a great, great thing. A tremendous thing. I promised it would be tremendous and so many great people are going to be helped with this new plan, and America will finally win at healthcare." Mr. Trump paused to let the applause of half the room quiet before continuing. "GoFundMe will be an integral part of my new plan to help Americans. We will expand it greatly and we will help so many people. Healthcare is so so complex an issue, I never knew. But we can finally see the answer and it is so very, very simple."

The president pleaded with both sides of the aisle as he further explained his plan. "I want Democrats and Republicans to come together and help roll out a GoFundMe act that Americans need. GoFundMe. So great. I didn't even know what this thing is. It is a thing and it is right here in front of us, but I didn't know. An intern told me recently he was helping a friend on this GoFundMe and I said to the intern, what is this thing? He opened his Facebook and showed me and you wouldn't believe it, there are so many of these things already! It is working bigly for everybody. Much better than Obamacare. I said, this is it. We totally got it. We just fixed healthcare, believe me."

Mr. Trump paused for brief moment of confused applause before continuing. "The brilliant American people are already solving this problem without our help, and I said, but what if we helped? How much are surgeries? Maybe $100-$200? I want Congress to figure out how to help add $100 to each of these GoFundMe pages for the surgeries of the American people. This will be so much cheaper than the disaster we have now and so much better. People will get likes on their Facebook posts and they will get so much help from their doctors with this new system. With the GoFundMe Act and the prayers of my Vice President, Mike Pence, we will have the healthiest country in the world, in the history of the world. This is great. This is really so, so great."

Experts were quick to weigh in after the speech with a resounding consensus. Emily Parsons, a healthcare industry expert with 35 years of experience, told Probably Legit, "This is not a sustainable healthcare plan. This is hardly a plan at all. I would strongly advise against replacing the Affordable Care Act with the GoFundMe Act, and once again, for the benefit of millions of Americans, I would strongly urge the president to focus on repairing and improving the Affordable Care Act with sensible actions, and not to replace it with an idea he had after a 10 minute conversation with an intern."

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Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

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Bernie or Bust Bro Has Revelation After Watching Child Set Himself On Fire In One Way Mirror Experiment

In a perfect storm of a successful Democratic National Convention, and a week of horrific blunders by her opponent Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton has experienced a drastic rise in the polls. Fearful of the apocalyptic reign of a Trump presidency, even prominent GOP leaders across the country have pledged their support to Clinton. However, one contingent of voters has eluded Clinton's grasp from the beginning, and it may cost her the presidency: The Bernie Bro.

The Bernie or Bust movement has been a constant source of frustration for the Clinton campaign, and for Americans across the nation who are concerned that Trump still retains even the slight possibility of victory come November. Even after the endorsement of Bernie Sanders himself, a dedicated block of Bernie supporters have refused to vote for Hillary Clinton, and have actively vowed to continue the fight against her. But that all might change after a powerful suggestion from campaign staffer, Malory Watkins.

"One day it just clicked," reports Malory. "These guys have been so passionate and consumed by the emotion of the campaign that they can't accept defeat and rally around a different positive force, even when that positive force is now the only thing standing in the way of a Donald Trump inauguration. We had to break away from the politics of it all and actually show them what that looked like from a different perspective and in a dramatic fashion. So instead of spending money on commercials or going door to door, we spent money on a two way mirror, a box of regular Oreos, a box of triple stuffed Oreos and a lighter. Then we hired a child actor and invited as many Bernie Bros as we could."

Malory continues to explain the experiment, stating, "We would bring people in under the pretense of a political discussion, but then we'd have them sit in a waiting room with a full view of the two way mirror. The experiment was simple. We just had Alex, our kid actor, sit at a table with an Oreo, a triple stuffed Oreo, and a lighter. We even had a picture of a small double stuffed Oreo and a Fig Newton on the wall. Once the Bernie Bro was listening, an instructor told Alex that he could not have the triple stuffed Oreo, but was welcome to eat the regular Oreo. We told Alex to turn down the regular Oreo and then just go wild."

And go wild he did. Probably Legit was invited to tag along and witness the experiment in action. Seated with four other Bernie Bros and a clear view of the two way mirror, we watched Alex in action. When denied the triple stuffed Oreo and told he could have a regular Oreo or a picture of a cookie instead, Alex cried and yelled, "Regular Oreos are for pieces of shit!"

The Bernie Bros watched in awe as Alex had a complete meltdown, smashing his head against the table and screaming profanity after profanity. When the administrator finally removed the triple stuffed cookie from the table and told Alex he could work towards having the triple stuffed cookie in four years, but in the meantime he could eat the regular Oreo, Alex took the lighter and said, "I'll burn this place to the motherfucking ground if I have to eat that regular garbage Oreo! You hear me! I'd rather die! I'll kill myself right now! Fuck regular Oreos, and fuck you! I hope you like cleaning burnt kid carcass, you settling-for-regular-Oreo idiot!"  

The experiment appeared to be resounding success. Each Bernie Bro watched in horror as Alex set himself on fire, and one after the other they asked, "Why won't he just eat the regular Oreo? He doesn't have to die like this. Oh... Ohhhhhhhhh... Oh my god... Ok. I get it now."

Asked for a final comment, Malory states, "We are setting up two way mirrors across the country. We're really hoping each Bernie Bro who has a revelation will tell other bros using the analogy we've created, and hopefully they'll help us beat Trump in November. Even if they think we are just a regular Oreo."

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Hillary Clinton Furious That Donald Trump Stole Her Smoky Entrance to Queen Idea

After what many are calling a four day witch hunt and hate rally, recent reports indicate that Hillary Clinton is most upset that Donald Trump entered his convention through a cloud of bellowing smoke to the lyrics of a Queen song. An aide close Clinton reports, "She just paces back and forth and plays the clip over and over. After it's done she screams 'That was my fucking idea!' and punches a new hole through the hotel wall."

In a Republican National Convention that catered to one member who actively called for Hillary to be shot by a firing squad, as well as multiple chants of 'lock her up' and 'guilty', many in Clinton's camp are concerned that the candidate seems to only care about Trump allegedly stealing her entrance idea. Clinton's chief campaign manager, Huma Abedin, states, "She has been planning on entering the stage for her acceptance speech to We Are The Champions by Queen for nearly 10 years now. We were all really bummed when Trump ended up doing it, but I think she is focusing solely on this as a kind of coping mechanism. I mean that entire hate rally was really hard to watch. I just don't buy it that she doesn't care that she was linked to Lucifer to a chorus of boos and that millions of people want her dead or in jail. That would be hard on anyone. I think she is compartmentalizing everything, but she just keeps punching holes through walls and yelling 'No, I am the fucking champion!' so I don't know."

As Clinton's acceptance speech nears, her staff has been busy contracting out the many wall repairs and trying to keep their candidate calm and focused. Abedin continues, "We've been trying to maintain a delicate balance of using this to channel that fury and determination that she'll need over the next 100 days, and showing her clips from DNC speeches to remind her what she's been fighting for and that not everybody hates her. I think it's working. Now, we just need to find her a new song."

When asked for her reaction after watching four days of RNC coverage and how she plans on entering the stage now, Clinton punches another hole in the wall before sighing heavily and stating, "I will do my best to fight for everyone in this country, even those who hate me. And I'll just walk in and have some sort of wind machines or something I guess... and maybe Roar by Katy Perry. I don't know. Fuck! God damnit!"

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