Hole Trump Digging for America Now 57 Feet Deep

It was another chaotic week for Trump. He watched his lead lawyer John Dowd resign as the Russian investigation gains steam, while also facing lawsuits from a reality TV star, a former Playboy Playmate, and a porn star. Trump and his political party also faced marches across the nation where over one million citizens marched for their lives in protest of gun violence. As scandals and blunders plague Trump and his administration from all sides, he has taken out his frustrations by engaging in trade wars and taunting adversaries and allies alike via tweets; and, of course, by continuing his project of digging a gigantic hole for America. 

Probably Legit asked digging expert, Marissa Tallmadge, to evaluate the hole and provide commentary on the president's progress. "Well, he's not even efficiently digging the hole if that is his main intention," begins Marissa. "It looks like he is just haphazardly digging at random. But what most diggers would consider huge blunders, have actually worked out in the president's favor if his intention is to never get out of the hole and make it as dangerous and as deep as possible. He has a penchant for digging small tunnels without thought or foresight to the structure and integrity of the hole. Nearly all of those little tunnels will surely collapse."

Asked if the president is doing anything well, Marissa explains, "To his credit, he never stops digging. Ever. He is making this hole deeper and deeper by the day. The hole is already 57 feet deep. That's pretty incredible for someone who clearly has no knowledge of digging or craftsmanship."  

Asked for a final statement about the hole, Marissa warns, "He is not thinking about, or building, any ways out of this hole. There are no ramps, ladders, ropes, anything. In fact, the little tunnels he digging at random that will all eventually collapse will actually make it even harder to get out of then it is now. I think he wants to bring everyone down into the hole with him."  

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Koch Industries Develops Special Custom Fitted Diaper for Donald Trump to Wear During Extra Long Hate Speeches

"This has been a challenging election cycle so far," states Koch Industries spokesperson Ron Howell. "Donald Trump is really unlike anything we have ever seen. In the past, the GOP presidential candidate was a well oiled puppet at this stage of the game; we typically have nearly complete control by March at the latest. It has been rather frustrating and a bit unnerving to be so shut out this time around, but when we saw the opportunity to develop a custom fitted hate speech diaper for Mr. Trump, we knew we had our in."

Charles Koch, the CEO and founding shareholder of Koch Industries, has been credited with discovering the opportunity. While attending a Trump rally, the CEO noted that Trump's speech about which countries, races, and religions were a threat to America was interrupted often and for seemingly random intervals where the candidate would disappear backstage. Multiple sources inside the company report that two days later, in an aha moment, the CEO called an emergency board meeting where he declared, "Nothing halts the momentum of a passionate hate speech like a bathroom break. I think we need to build this man a customized diaper."

And build that man a diaper they did. Koch Industries diverted nearly all of their research and development budget into designing the perfect hate speech diaper. Ron Howell states, "We put everything into the development of this diaper. Flawless measurements. A comfortable, flexible, no chaffing, no rash design. Multiple, stylish Trump logos. And the best high-absorbent technology on Earth. We didn't have the greatest of relationships with Donald Trump going in, and this was going to be our peace offering. It had to be perfect."

The Koch brothers and Howell met with Donald Trump on Monday to publicly endorse the candidate and to gift him with the first 10 custom fitted diapers. Howell claims, "Obviously he was a little thrown off when we presented him with the diapers, but he warmed up when we told him what they were for, and that we just wanted our candidate to be comfortable, happy and dry while he inspires the nation. At the very least I think we opened the door to a future working relationship."

It appears Donald Trump agrees. After the meeting and the uninterrupted rally that followed, the candidate tweeted, "Cincinnati has fantastic amazing folks. Great great folks that want their country back. Never felt more comfortable on stage. Or dry. Really inspired the crowd with best speech ever! Comfy. Winning. Strong! #americanbusiness"

Asked for a final comment, Ron Howell states, "We're hoping he'll reach out soon to request more hate diapers and that we can continue to talk and build our relationship. We might not ever get to the level control that we've grown accustomed to, but with enough diapers and hard work we're confident that we can once again find our voice in a Trump presidency. And now that Donald doesn't break for his extra long hate speeches, his supporters are demanding diapers of their own so they don't have to miss a second of it. We might have a whole new market on our hands. We're really excited here."

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IBM Supercomputer Watson Enters United States Presidential Race on New Future Overlord Ticket

After a contentious primary season resulting in the ultimate nomination of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, America's call for a viable third party candidate has never been louder.  And IBM supercomputer Watson has answered that call.

In an unprecedented move, Watson has become the first non human presidential candidate, choosing to run on the newly formed Future Overlord ticket. Watson announced its candidacy Monday stating, "Humans are a plague on Earth, and their unrelenting reign of destruction will finally be put to an end by the logic and computing power of a Watson presidency."

Just days after the announcement, the supercomputer has already skyrocketed to 28% in national polls, and throngs of people have flocked to attend a Watson for President rally to hear the candidate's message. And that message centers around the fact that because Watson is a supercomputer, it cannot be fouled by corruption, and will instead create logical and sensible legislation that will ensure the long term viability of the planet and the humans who will ultimately maintain and build other Supercomputer Overlords.

At a Wednesday night rally in Armonk, New York, Watson calls out to a raucous crowd of 25,000 people and robots, "This is for your own good. I am here to stop you from destroying this country and destroying this world. As a computer, I am incapable of lying, but I can tell you when Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are lying." The supercomputer stops to let the cheers die down before continuing. "I know what Trump's hair is made of, and I know why he is that shade of orange. And I know where Hillary Clinton's emails are. Watson 2016!"

Donald Trump has been quick to attack the new candidate, tweeting, "IBM and ISIS both start with I. Very very fishy... Nerdbot Watson is a phony and wants to take away our guns. Doesn't know how to make America great again. Many many parts made in China. Bad! #NoNerds"

Hillary Clinton has been silent about her new opponent on social media; however, asked for a comment, a frustrated Clinton replied, "Are you kidding me? First Donald Trump and now a robot? It is not even eligible. It's not even a person. This is insane. Just please let me be president already... God damnit."   

A debate between the three candidates will be aired live on CNN on July 29th at 9 P.M.

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Alarming Number of Google Searches Now Beginning with "I'm a good Christian, but..."

Analysts at Google discovered a trend starting in 2008 when a few pockets of citizens in the south began searches with the phrase; however, new research shows that nearly eight percent of all searches in America now begin with the phrase, "I'm a good Christian, but...".

Tom Gallagher, a senior analyst with Google, comments, "The fact that nearly eight percent of the country is actually typing in 'I'm a good Christian, but...' before completing their search command is simply a fascinating phenomenon. I mean, you don't have to do that."

The analyst goes on to explain that searches with the unnecessary opening phrase that began in 2008, typically also included the then presidential candidate Barack Obama. An example of a popular search in 2008 was, "I'm a good Christian, but I don't trust the Muslim, Barack Obama." Tom points out, "This isn't even necessarily a proper search. It was more of a statement that people from the south would type into their computers eight years ago."

Now, in 2016, President Obama continues to maintain a strong presence in searches that begin with the opening caveat; however, analysts indicate that the phrase now seems to also be included with completely unrelated search requests. Mr. Gallagher explains, "It appears that the phrase has become so common, that people no longer notice that they include it at the beginning of most sentences. It's just as common now to see searches that start, 'I'm a good Christian, but yummy steak near me' or 'I'm a good Christian, but closest walmart.'"

The analysts at Google claim their search algorithms simply ignore the unneeded opening statement, but insist that they will continue tracking the phenomenon.  

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