Bernie or Bust Bro Has Revelation After Watching Child Set Himself On Fire In One Way Mirror Experiment

In a perfect storm of a successful Democratic National Convention, and a week of horrific blunders by her opponent Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton has experienced a drastic rise in the polls. Fearful of the apocalyptic reign of a Trump presidency, even prominent GOP leaders across the country have pledged their support to Clinton. However, one contingent of voters has eluded Clinton's grasp from the beginning, and it may cost her the presidency: The Bernie Bro.

The Bernie or Bust movement has been a constant source of frustration for the Clinton campaign, and for Americans across the nation who are concerned that Trump still retains even the slight possibility of victory come November. Even after the endorsement of Bernie Sanders himself, a dedicated block of Bernie supporters have refused to vote for Hillary Clinton, and have actively vowed to continue the fight against her. But that all might change after a powerful suggestion from campaign staffer, Malory Watkins.

"One day it just clicked," reports Malory. "These guys have been so passionate and consumed by the emotion of the campaign that they can't accept defeat and rally around a different positive force, even when that positive force is now the only thing standing in the way of a Donald Trump inauguration. We had to break away from the politics of it all and actually show them what that looked like from a different perspective and in a dramatic fashion. So instead of spending money on commercials or going door to door, we spent money on a two way mirror, a box of regular Oreos, a box of triple stuffed Oreos and a lighter. Then we hired a child actor and invited as many Bernie Bros as we could."

Malory continues to explain the experiment, stating, "We would bring people in under the pretense of a political discussion, but then we'd have them sit in a waiting room with a full view of the two way mirror. The experiment was simple. We just had Alex, our kid actor, sit at a table with an Oreo, a triple stuffed Oreo, and a lighter. We even had a picture of a small double stuffed Oreo and a Fig Newton on the wall. Once the Bernie Bro was listening, an instructor told Alex that he could not have the triple stuffed Oreo, but was welcome to eat the regular Oreo. We told Alex to turn down the regular Oreo and then just go wild."

And go wild he did. Probably Legit was invited to tag along and witness the experiment in action. Seated with four other Bernie Bros and a clear view of the two way mirror, we watched Alex in action. When denied the triple stuffed Oreo and told he could have a regular Oreo or a picture of a cookie instead, Alex cried and yelled, "Regular Oreos are for pieces of shit!"

The Bernie Bros watched in awe as Alex had a complete meltdown, smashing his head against the table and screaming profanity after profanity. When the administrator finally removed the triple stuffed cookie from the table and told Alex he could work towards having the triple stuffed cookie in four years, but in the meantime he could eat the regular Oreo, Alex took the lighter and said, "I'll burn this place to the motherfucking ground if I have to eat that regular garbage Oreo! You hear me! I'd rather die! I'll kill myself right now! Fuck regular Oreos, and fuck you! I hope you like cleaning burnt kid carcass, you settling-for-regular-Oreo idiot!"  

The experiment appeared to be resounding success. Each Bernie Bro watched in horror as Alex set himself on fire, and one after the other they asked, "Why won't he just eat the regular Oreo? He doesn't have to die like this. Oh... Ohhhhhhhhh... Oh my god... Ok. I get it now."

Asked for a final comment, Malory states, "We are setting up two way mirrors across the country. We're really hoping each Bernie Bro who has a revelation will tell other bros using the analogy we've created, and hopefully they'll help us beat Trump in November. Even if they think we are just a regular Oreo."

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