Donald Trump Claims Record 19th Consecutive Perfect Bracket - Ties Kim Jong-un for Longest Streak

After Villanova won the Men's NCAA Championship game on Monday, president Donald Trump tweeted, "@Villanova. Thanks again boys. That's 19 straight years of picking a perfect bracket. I knew it would be bold and risky to choose a 16 seed over a one. But America needs risky, bold moves. America needs winners. Saw Obama picked Michigan State. So wrong! Bet Hillary was too busy reading to even pick a bracket. Loser. #Dumdums #Notwinners"

While Trump again did not submit a bracket online, or show any proof of his picks before the tournament started, Sarah Huckabee Sanders told the press Tuesday morning, "We've been over this before. Mr. Trump has always marked his picks on a printable bracket. We are in the process of releasing the record breaking 19th consecutive perfect bracket. Everybody knows that Mr. Trump's has a gift for picking winners. And this is yet another huge win for our Nation." 

Not everybody is quite so eager to believe the candidate's claim. Noted statistician, Doug Altman of Yale once again explains, "The odds of picking a perfect bracket are literally 1 in 9.2 quintillion. I don't know why you guys ask me to explain how impossible it is every year. He is lying. The president is lying. He would have to have a time machine that he only uses for this purpose or be from the future. Which, I suppose is slightly more possible than him picking perfect brackets for 19 consecutive years. There's just no way. He lies every day. About everything. He's definitely, for sure, 100 percent, lying about this."

Trump however, is not alone in the claim. Minutes before Donald Trump's tweet, Kim Jung-un, controversial leader of North Korea, issued a statement stating that he has also picked a perfect bracket for the 19th consecutive year.

While Kim Jung-un also failed to submit a bracket online, and also showed no proof of his picks before the tournament started, North Korean officials insist, "The Supreme Leader of North Korea has always marked his picks on a printable bracket. The record breaking 19th consecutive perfect bracket is currently being flown to North Korea's Museum of Incredible Achievements so all of North Korea can bask in its glory. It is well known in North Korea, that Kim Jong-un's basketball knowledge is matched by none."

It remains unclear whether the two men know of one another's alleged streaks; however, upon news of Kim Jong-un's claim, a broken Doug Altman provided a final quote, stating, "Of course he did. Nothing matters anymore."

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President Scores 'F---' on Campaign Promise to Make World Stop Laughing at America

New grades are out for president Trump's first year in office. PolitiFact grades each president on their performance compared to the promises he made during the campaign. Trump scored 'work in progress' for most of his campaign promises; however, the fact checking site took an extreme measure and gave its first ever 'F---' score to a politician's promise. And what campaign promise did president Trump score an 'F---' ? His promise to make the world stop laughing at America.

Spokeswoman for PolitiFact, Tammy Holloway, tells Probably Legit, "We actually had to add two extra minuses to the lowest grade we have ever given in an attempt to adequately judge just how poorly Mr. Trump did on this particular promise. I can't stress enough how hard everybody is laughing at America. Countries that had previously never even chuckled at the United States, now break out into open, howling laughter at just the mention of the phrase 'President Donald Trump'. It's actually inspired many impersonators and comedy careers in the poorest countries around the world. There is not a single country that is not laughing at America right now. Including America."

Tammy continues, warning, "What we're seeing now at the beginning of his second year in office is a transition towards more cynical, nihilistic, and darker humor. I'm not sure if there are enough minuses we could add to the score if the president continues on his current course."

Sarah Huckabee Sanders declined to comment on the grade.

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Hole Trump Digging for America Now 57 Feet Deep

It was another chaotic week for Trump. He watched his lead lawyer John Dowd resign as the Russian investigation gains steam, while also facing lawsuits from a reality TV star, a former Playboy Playmate, and a porn star. Trump and his political party also faced marches across the nation where over one million citizens marched for their lives in protest of gun violence. As scandals and blunders plague Trump and his administration from all sides, he has taken out his frustrations by engaging in trade wars and taunting adversaries and allies alike via tweets; and, of course, by continuing his project of digging a gigantic hole for America. 

Probably Legit asked digging expert, Marissa Tallmadge, to evaluate the hole and provide commentary on the president's progress. "Well, he's not even efficiently digging the hole if that is his main intention," begins Marissa. "It looks like he is just haphazardly digging at random. But what most diggers would consider huge blunders, have actually worked out in the president's favor if his intention is to never get out of the hole and make it as dangerous and as deep as possible. He has a penchant for digging small tunnels without thought or foresight to the structure and integrity of the hole. Nearly all of those little tunnels will surely collapse."

Asked if the president is doing anything well, Marissa explains, "To his credit, he never stops digging. Ever. He is making this hole deeper and deeper by the day. The hole is already 57 feet deep. That's pretty incredible for someone who clearly has no knowledge of digging or craftsmanship."  

Asked for a final statement about the hole, Marissa warns, "He is not thinking about, or building, any ways out of this hole. There are no ramps, ladders, ropes, anything. In fact, the little tunnels he digging at random that will all eventually collapse will actually make it even harder to get out of then it is now. I think he wants to bring everyone down into the hole with him."  

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Trump Nervously Asks Kellyanne Conway if his Inauguration Crowd had more People than Weekend Marches

After 'executive time' Monday morning, sources close to the president tell Probably Legit that Trump sulked out of his room, looking at the ground, biting his lip, and kicking his shoes. He then peaked up slightly and shyly asked Kellyanne Conway, who was in the oval office at the time, "More people came to my inauguration than went to the March for Our Lives protests, right?"

The president had just watched a Fox & Friends segment which mentioned large crowds around the country Saturday and tears were beginning to well in his eyes. Kellyanne Conway quickly responded, "There there, hon. Come now, it's ok! Of course more people came to your inauguration! They love you sweetie! The people marching this weekend love you too! You have inspired a nation, hon! There there! Now which good president wants a popsicle?"

Trump's attitude immediately shifted and he then loudly proclaimed, "I'm a good president! I want a popsicle!"  

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**Update** Trump Fires Tillerson After Loss at the IQ Battle Royale - Claims Victory Anyway

**UPDATE**

It has been nearly two months since Trump’s crippling defeat in the IQ Battle Royale. After multiple attempts to appeal the landslide decision, Trump took matters into his own hands and fired Tillerson to bring in somebody “with a very similar thought process”.

White House officials are concerned that the State Department will now be run by someone with a similar IQ and thought process as the president. A source close to the matter tells Probably Legit, “Unfortunately after the loss, Trump has convinced himself and the people around him, that IQ is like a golf score; the lower the better. It’s hard to get as low of a score as Trump did, but we are all pretty concerned with how Mike Pompeo will perform. He believes ‘science is for sissies’ and could only name seven countries other than the United States.”

Trump later tweeted, "You thought we were winning before? Now we will really start winning! America first! Mike Pompeo will do so great and so good. We thank TIllerson for going to countries and I think he talked to them about our country. I'm not sure. But I am not a moran. He is a moran. Also... Everyone knows I was the winner of the IQ battle. He cheated. I won and my IQ is strong. Believe me"

Asked for comment, Tillerson stated, "Trump is the biggest moron that has ever walked this planet. We will probably all die. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

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**UPDATE** Trump loses! After being unable to answer the first three questions, the president flipped over the table and stormed out of the room. He later tweeted, "Tillerson is now in collusion with Hilary and the evil Dems. They asked unfair, impossible questions, that nobody knows. My IQ is the best. It is very high. Likely highest of any president."

As Donald Trump went 0 for 3 on questions asked of him and then forfeited, with one correct answer, the moderator of the match declared Tillerson the victor.  

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It’s been over a month now since Donald Trump called out Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and publicly challenged the man responsible for preventing World War III to a series of IQ tests. Tillerson has wisely refused to publicly comment on the matter, declining to add to the overwhelming embarrassment already experienced by the United States. But in private he remains confident, as is the majority of the planet that he would win. And finally, a date has been set.

The MGM Grand in Las Vegas will host the IQ contest on January 20th, 2018, the anniversary of Trump’s inauguration. Vegas odds makers are struggling to set the proper odds for the bout. When the announcement was made, initial Trump odds came in at 100,000 to 1, but as of the publishing of this article, odds for Trump to win have increased to 80,000 to 1.

An odds maker spoke with Probably Legit and stated, “If Trump somehow pulls off an upset it will bankrupt nearly every casino in Las Vegas. We’re all a little nervous. Multiple insurance policies have been taken out. I mean, he was the one who challenged Tillerson. He’s got to have some sort of reason to believe he’ll win…but come on…Either way, it will be incredible to watch and horribly embarrassing as a country.”

Officials close to the president claim he is confident. One source reports, “He canceled all TV and play time yesterday to sit with an intern to give guidance and instructions for the creation of the contest’s poster. Despite multiple suggestions to the contrary, he didn’t seem to care that people might not believe he has a six pack, and he insisted that the American public would know that XS glove size means ‘Extra Strong’. I’ve placed a large wager on Secretary Tillerson.”

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Baby Trump on the Loose – Last Seen Running Through White House with Scissors and Nuclear Button

It has been another disastrous week Trump. He and his administration continue to deal with the aftermath of the Parkland school shooting, the ever deepening Russia investigation, and the constant string of controversies large and small in the White House. The pressure and stress have once again reached a boiling point, and to the dismay of all White House staff, Baby Trump has emerged.

An aide close to the president reports, “It all started when the governor of Washington told him that he needs to stop tweeting and listen. We all thought he was going to throw a tantrum right then and there, but he held it together pretty decently. Kelly even gave him an extra popsicle for doing such a good job. But then the next day during ‘executive time’ he saw all of the late night shows and tweets making fun of him for saying he believes he would have ran into the school with an active shooter even if he didn’t have a gun. In total he was called Captain Useless or Captain Bonespur over 300,000 times in a six hour period.”

Multiple sources indicate Trump then transformed into Baby Trump and screeched “Fake News” over and over. He then stream-of-conscious tweeted a series of contradicting, erratic, and hypocritical comments before finding a pair of scissors and a nuclear button and sprinting down the hallway. The aide goes on to explain, “He’s hard to catch when he’s in Baby Trump mode. He’s so small and slippery. We normally let him tire himself out, but he had opened the scissors and was holding them by the blade. He’s hiding now, but everybody is on high alert to try to catch him. Obviously the nuclear button is just a decoy that we let him play with, but he could really hurt himself with the way he is running with those scissors. Hopefully we’ll be able to corner him and give him a goodnight cheeseburger to calm him down.”

As of the writing of this article, Baby Trump is still on the loose.  

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Frustrated Trump Consults Fox & Friends on How to Make Gun Problem Go Away – Gets Terrible Advice

Reports from the White House indicate that President Trump has been more frustrated than usual during his 57th consecutive week of disaster, controversy, allegations, and critical missteps. But this time the president’s frustrations stem from an issue he thought would have gone away by now. An aide, wishing to remain anonymous, tells Probably Legit, “Usually when there is a shooting we can tell people we are praying for them and then establish a narrative that works with our donor’s beliefs until people forget about it, but for some reason this one is just different. At least we’ve been able to avoid some Russia questions, but now people are expecting Trump to do something about guns.”

And the aide is right. As pointed out by many, the Republican response to mass shootings has typically been to send thoughts and prayers via a tweet and then to condemn the shooter as a mentally ill criminal while simultaneously pivoting to a rigorous defense of the right to purchase guns. But with the GOP in control of the House, the Senate, and the presidency, people are beginning to cry foul in regards to what they feel are empty words and the hypocrisy of that narrative. And now, as always, Trump is seeking guidance from the most powerful show in the world, Fox & Friends, on how to solve America’s mass shooting crisis.     

But will America be safer with policy enacted from the ramblings and exhausted suggestions from a morning TV show on its 10th consecutive day of coverage? On Friday, Trump quoted Steve Doocy directly when he issued multiple tweets stating, “There’s never been a mass shooting in a prison. Maybe we could have fencing with barbed wires and armed guards in towers at every school. Or maybe I could make a law that says all clothes in America must now be bulletproof? Would that be good? Or maybe each child could be issued a paintball gun. With a lot of paintball guns shooting, it might slow active shooters down. We could maybe put a yellow marking on the paintball guns so police officers could identify between good kids and mentally ill sicko shooters. But then a sicko shooter might also put a yellow marking on their gun… but, it will all work itself out in the law or whatever. You’ll be safer than ever. Believe me.”

Will this time be different? A fed up nation waits.

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Sheldon Adelson Plans to Buy Two House Representatives and a Senator with Funds from Tax Break

Paul Ryan took some heat over the weekend after he deleted a tweet celebrating an Indiana teacher’s $1.50 per week increase in pay thanks to the GOP’s recently passed tax bill. The teacher playfully jested that her tax break will help pay for her yearly Costco membership. Democrats were quick to call foul for the tax bill’s disproportionate appeasement to big business and the mega wealthy. They implored Americans to ask why an Indiana teacher only benefited by $1.50 per week while corporations and the top 0.1% of got millions.

But how are the mega wealthy spending the money saved with their tax breaks? A source close the Sheldon Adelson, a Las Vegas casino magnate and high profile Trump contributor, tells Probably Legit that Adelson plans to purchase two more Paul Ryans, and another McConnell.  “Sheldon will receive around $1.5 million per ‘paycheck’ in tax relief. With that amount he can easily afford to buy two more representatives and another senator.  He’ll also have plenty extra for his hobbies. Mr. Adelson enjoys paying The Poor, as he likes to call them, $10 an hour to watch him eat caviar and swim in large pools of cash. It’s his way of giving back to the community and stimulating the economy by trickling down some his wealth.”

The casino owner was not shy about responding to the story, not only confirming that he plans to buy more representatives and senators, but also stating, “Owning your own senators and members of congress is fantastic. They have represented my interests relentlessly for years and I look forward to adding more of them to my collection. I don’t understand the fuss. Everyone should buy a senator and congressman. If The Poor weren’t so lazy they could pool their tax savings and buy a senator or representative of their own. All it would take is 300,000-400,000 people pooling their savings to rent a senator for a couple years so that their interests could be addressed. If a majority of The Poor did this, they might be able to buy enough representatives to win against mine. But no, they are too busy begging for handouts. Scum.”

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President Can’t Help Himself – Confirms Affair with Porn Star to Defend Sexual Prowess

Trump’s presidency has been a strange phenomenon. A story about a lawyer setting up a shell company to cover up an affair with a porn star that allegedly occurred while the now first lady was pregnant would have destroyed all presidencies before him. But with the government shutdown, the president’s racist remarks in regards to African countries, the Russian probe, the women’s march, and the general chaos of the news cycle, the president’s alleged affair with Stormy Daniels has gone largely unreported.

That is of course until the president confirmed the allegations Tuesday during his State of the Union speech.  In the middle of the 90 minute speech, Trump called attention to the response and resilience of American people after the devastating fires, hurricanes, and powerful storms of 2017. But at the mention of the word ‘storm’, the president went off script and abruptly announced, “She totally liked it. Believe me.” It appears to be another example of the president unnecessarily shooting himself in the foot, when instead of staying on script, he rambled for another three minutes about his sexual prowess.

Vice President Mike Pence coughed audibly and stomped his foot down once to get the president back on track after he had claimed, “They are saying it was vanilla and plain, it wasn’t vanilla and plain. Absolutely fake. A lot of people tell me it was the best she’s seen. And that’s saying something. Believe me.” The president then paused, briefly took in the stunned faces of the audience, and immediately pivoted by concluding, “And that is why we love and support our troops and first responders who are the bravest and the best people this world has ever seen.” The confused audience then erupted into a standing ovation that lasted 78 seconds.

Asked for clarification on the president’s remarks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders issued a written statement. The statement reads, “The president was speaking metaphorically about the lack of respect our enemies hold for the resilience of our brave first responders and veterans. The president is right; our troops and first responders are the best this world has ever seen.  To sully their honor and muddy their contributions to this great nation with these baseless and disgusting allegations is nothing short of proof that the fake news media does not care for this country or our troops.”

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Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

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White House Aide Finds Trump’s Crumpled Up New Year’s Resolutions

It was another stressful week for citizens of the United States and the world, as Donald Trump threatened to start a nuclear war and revelations about his mental health were once again brought to the limelight by Michael Wolff’s depiction of the president in his book Fire and Fury. But in the hectic reporting on new and scary revelations, Trump’s 2018 resolutions went unreported. The president insisted that everyone should believe him that they were beautiful resolutions and would certainly make America great again, and that he would reveal them once they had come true. But now, thanks to the sharp eyes of a White House intern, some of the president’s resolutions have surfaced.

Tim Fairchild claims to have found a sheet of paper that the president wrote his resolutions on crumpled in a trash can just outside of the situation room. Probably Legit examined the document which was written in crayon in large block letters. To the president’s credit, only three words were misspelled. There also appears to be multiple wet marks on the paper. Tim states that he believes they are spills from one of the president’s diet cokes, or maybe tears because of how immediately he failed at each of the resolutions.

Tim also believes that this is only one page of many. He claims, “I believe the Chief of Staff gave Trump a task to distract him after he bragged about the size of his nuclear button and hinted that he would annihilate a country and race of people. It would explain why none of the staff saw the president for a full day after that. Mr. Kelly often gives the president menial tasks to prevent him from making situations worse.”

Tim continues, “I wish I could find the other pages. But even this one is gold. Who would have guessed that he would have insulted Oprah already? And it’s almost like he sabotaged himself by writing that he wouldn’t tweet about how much of a genius he is to shut up the losers and haters. And then the ‘Earn three gold star stickers from Mr. Kelly so I can have a later bedtime.’ Yikes.”

The intern plans to write a bestselling novel about his time in the White House.

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Orrin Hatch says he is 'Grateful' for the NFL's 2017 MVP Award

Just days after Orrin Hatch said he was grateful for an editorial calling for his resignation, the longtime GOP senator from Utah took another misstep when he tweeted his gratitude to the NFL for naming him 2017's MVP. Hatch's tweet was referring to a Sports Illustrated article published Wednesday, 12/27/2017, in which the magazine named the 83 year old Senator MVP of the league. But like the editorial from The Salt Lake Tribune, the title was not intended as a compliment.

The Sports Illustrated article used Hatch as a pawn in a scathing critique of the NFL's lack of urgency in solving its concussion problem. The conclusion of the article states that Hatch must have been experiencing symptoms of a concussion to have thanked a newspaper for demanding his resignation. The magazine warned that if immediate action wasn’t taken, the league would risk being populated with a majority of players suffering from CTE and making mistakes at an Orrin Hatch level or worse. Sports Illustrated also asked for Hatch to resign.

A spokesperson for Hatch released a statement Thursday, reading, “Orrin has proudly served his political campaign donors and an elite circle of Utah residents for nearly 40 years. He has done so honorably and will forever be marked in history for his role in shaping the America we see before us today. Clearly the senator’s tweet was a tongue and cheek remark referring to the booing he often gets from constituents, similar surely to the boos that NFL MVPs often receive at the stadiums of their opponents. The Senator promises to rule over Utah for the next one hundred years with the help of cryogenic freezing. He will never resign.”

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Donald Trump Cuts Line to sit on Santa's Lap at Florida Mall

It has been another busy week for Donald Trump. The president's administration voted to repeal net neutrality rules, and even banned their first seven words, ushering in a frightening era of America's first fascist dictator. On Wednesday afternoon, the president openly gloated to the press which he referred to as his enemies, stating, "The American people have spoken, and when I sign this tax bill I will give my friends and my family enough money to ensure our power deep into the 21st century. Merry Christmas liars and losers." The president declined to field questions from the press, instead walking to Air Force One to applause from his republican colleagues before departing to Mar-a-lago for his second vacation of the week.  

After landing, the president was driven via limousine to the Southdale Shopping Center, a mall just west of Trump's golf resort. Upon exiting the vehicle, multiple witnesses report that the president screamed, "I rule America, and I rule the world! You better give me another juice box before I see Santa, Amy!" Amy, along with another presidential aide, gave the president a juice box and gently guided him into the mall.

Once inside, the president pushed aside two children and tipped over a stroller as he shoved his way to the front of the line to visit Santa. Dave, the man dressed as Santa, tells Probably Legit, "I've never seen anything like it. He was yelling, 'Out of my way, peasants!' and was just pushing kids over. He took one of their ice cream comes, took a bite, and then threw the rest of it at another kid when he reached the front of the line. And then he just stared at me in awe. I truly, honest to God, believe that he thought I was the real Santa Claus. He sat on my lap and talked to me for 15 minutes about what he wanted. I didn't know what to do, so I just nodded along. He asked for some weird things. Like for everyone at CNN to be fired, and to be poor, and to not get food stamps. Another tiger. A prettier wife. 100 chocolate milks and cookies for every day of the year. A ski resort. Like the entire resort. No bedtimes. A 100 foot tall border wall with statues of himself at every mile marker. And for everybody to like him and cheer for him when he walks places. And to tell him they love him. He made me promise I would get him those things before he would get off my lap."

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Fox & Friends Still Hasn't Told Trump That Roy Moore Lost

Democrat Doug Jones narrowly defeated controversial Republican candidate Roy Moore in Alabama's special election Tuesday, marking a severe blow to the Trump/Bannon political machine. But it seems that nobody has told Roy Moore, his supporters, or most importantly, the president. Trump held a campaign-like rally Tuesday evening, and another Wednesday morning, where he repeatedly congratulated Roy Moore on winning his senate seat and for running such a tasteful, non-embarrassing campaign. 

Two of the president's aides attempted to gently break the news after CNN called the race in favor of Jones, but Trump reportedly roared in anger before guzzling a two liter of diet coke and screaming 'Fake News! Fake News!' One aide explains, "He didn't want to hear it. When he starts throwing a tantrum like that we generally just need to give him his binky and another diet coke so he can calm down and forget all of the information that he didn't like. We're just going to wait for Fox & Friends to tell him."

Writers at Fox & Friends were up all night, frantically trying to come up with ideas on how to best inform the president about the news he does not want to hear. Steve Doocy, anchor and head writer for the morning show expresses his concern, "This is really going to be a tightrope walk. Whether we like it or not, we're responsible for the president's mood every day. We don't want the president to think it is his fault or that an entire state hates him. That could lead to him doing something drastic like starting a nuclear war, or worse, to stop watching Fox & Friends and start calling us 'fake news'. Plus, it's going to be really hard to tell him anyway. He is having so much fun at his rallies doing his little plays with Roy. Maybe we'll wait and just tell him tomorrow. "

As of 11:10 AM EST Trump has still not been told the results.

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Trump Celebrates 2,000th Lie as President with 100th Vacation Day at Mar-a-Lago

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago golf club spared no expense to help the president celebrate his 2,000th presidential lie Tuesday. The resort hosted an extravagant Fake News Buster party and presented Trump with a gold inlaid certificate of achievement. The president has recently taken to referring to his lies as ‘Fake News Busters’ and has repeatedly touted his ability in doing so as well as his high number of ‘busts’. Trump has averaged an incredible 6.33 official lies per day since becoming president and the celebration of his 2,000th lie will mark the 100th day out of 316 that he has spent at Mar-a-Lago. Experts have estimated that the party will cost tax payers over $3 million.

What was the president's 2,000th official lie? Right before boarding Air Force One to fly to his resort, Donald Trump tweeted, “Very, very busy day planned at Mar-a-Lago. Will be working tremendously hard for the American people to stop the demon democrats from ruining planet with the help of CNN… I will not let them kill our babies or take our guns or steal our hard earned tax dollars to buy mansion-prisons for thug criminals and illegal aliens that are murdering rapists.”

Eric Shultz, a bipartisan, fact checking expert, shakes his head and sighs. He tells Probably Legit, “Technically, this tweet contains multiple factual inaccuracies. For instance, he claims that he has a busy day planned, but the only things on Trump’s official schedule are '1) Fox n’ Friends time. 2) Golf 3) Yummy chicken fingers'. If we wanted, we could go line by line and likely identify and call out 10 unique lies, but because they were all contained in one official statement from the President of the United States, our policy is to consider this entire message as just one lie. It is his 2,000th.”

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Trump Administration Releases Tone Deaf Ad in Support of Tax Plan

It has been a rocky Monday for Trump and his administration. In a speech honoring Navajo code talkers, the president used a racial slur while referencing Senator Elizabeth Warren. The president has used the slur before, repeatedly and openly calling Warren 'Pocahontas', but Trump didn't need any other mishaps following his earlier disastrous tweet which pictured himself in a bathtub full of money with the caption that read, "Middle class miracle!! How will you spend your $1,000 in tax savings? #MAGA".

Trump is now in hot water for both incidents and is taking particular heat for the advertisement which supports a long held suspicion by the nation that Trump does not know what $1,000 looks like. As the administration has shifted focus towards passing tax reform, Trump and many of his advisors have publicly suggested that the average American could use their extra $1,000 to buy unrealistic things such as a month long safari, a new car, a kitchen remodel, a speedboat, a racehorse, and a fully staffed private jet for six months.

In an awful day for the administration, Trump is now facing backlash from all sides, including resentment from even the fiercest of Trump supporters. Avid Trump supporter Dale Rochette tells Probably Legit, "Who does this guy think he is? I don't even have a bathtub in my house. I'm starting to think that's how much money Mr. Trump will get if they pass that there tax bill. Something just ain't sitting right here. If he makes 17 or 18 more mistakes like this here one, then I might just have to consider not voting for him in the next election!"

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Reince Priebus - Where are they now?

Reince Priebus resigned just six months into his tenure as Chief of Staff. The former head of the RNC had a highly reported and tumultuous relationship with the president filled with cat and mouse distraction games, name calling, and deceit. So what is he up to now?

To avoid getting booed and yelled at for his complicity in the downfall of our great nation, a friend of Priebus indicates that he now spends much of his time indoors playing Sims, a life simulation video game.

The friend reports, “He spends most of his day playing that game. I sat with him for a bit. A lot of his SIM town is on fire, everyone is heavily armed, the town somehow became segregated, and when I was watching it looked to be on the brink of a catastrophic civil war. But I’m not even sure he even notices any of it. He was pretty intensely focused on his own SIM which pays the least amount of taxes out of anybody in the town. He seemed pretty pleased about that.”

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Jeff Sessions Robot Still Stuck In ‘I Do Not Recall’ Loop

It has been just six days since the Attorney General Robot, Jeff Sessions, testified before the House Judiciary Committee. The committee was split in their lines of questioning. House republicans repeatedly asked the robot if he planned to investigate fabricated Clinton scandals, while house democrats demanded answers on alleged collusion with Russia and the robot’s previous testimony under oath.

The hearing appeared to be standard with no new revelations until New York Democrat Jerrold Nadler took the Sessions-bot down a line of questioning that ultimately led to an answer the Attorney General would repeat 280 times over the remainder of the hearing. “I do not recall.” Multiple sources in attendance of the hearing reported seeing a small puff of smoke come from the robot’s left ear before it twitched and repeated the phrase three times in quick succession. One source states, “I think part of his board fried during that line of questioning and he entered into a talking point loop.”

So far staff at the Attorney General’s office has been unable to fix the malfunction. One staffer, who wishes to stay anonymous, tells Probably Legit, “It’s gotten bad. He answers ‘I do not recall’ to everything now. We’ve locked him in a closet while we work on rebuilding a new one. Hopefully it will have a more advanced circuit board that can withstand such vigorous questioning.”

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Nation Not Buying That Donald Trump Jr. Was Unknown Campaign Aide

Just hours after the report that Donald Trump Jr. had privately messaged Wikileaks in an effort to gain access to potentially damning Clinton emails that were accessed through Russian hacks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders took the podium at the White House, looked the press straight in the eye, and told them that Donald Trump Jr. was a low-level campaign aide that most of the administration could not even pick out of a line-up. 

Pressed on the fact that Donald Trump Jr. has the same name as the president, and is the president’s son, Sanders repeated her claim, stating, “Junior was a low level aide. He mostly fetched coffee and babysat Eric. He did not have any direct contact with the president or any of the administration. Any actions he took or messages he sent were done on his own volition. We did not even remember we had Junior as an aide until this report came out.”

Donald Trump Jr. later tweeted his conversations with Wikileaks to the public. In one tweet he added, “This report is nothing. They didn’t even write anything about the messages I sent to Vlad or his family members. Stupid fake news media! #GoGetEmDad #NoCollusion.” A poll taken just one day after the report and the response from the press secretary indicates that 73% of the country does not believe that Trump Jr. was a low level aide.

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Finally! Date set for Trump vs Tillerson IQ Battle Royale

It’s been over a month now since Donald Trump called out Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and publicly challenged the man responsible for preventing World War III to a series of IQ tests. Tillerson has wisely refused to publicly comment on the matter, declining to add to the overwhelming embarrassment already experienced by the United States. But in private he remains confident, as is the majority of the planet that he would win. And finally, a date has been set.

The MGM Grand in Las Vegas will host the IQ contest on January 20th, 2018, the anniversary of Trump’s inauguration. Vegas odds makers are struggling to set the proper odds for the bout. When the announcement was made, initial Trump odds came in at 100,000 to 1, but as of the publishing of this article, odds for Trump to win have increased to 80,000 to 1.

An odds maker spoke with Probably Legit and stated, “If Trump somehow pulls off an upset it will bankrupt nearly every casino in Las Vegas. We’re all a little nervous. Multiple insurance policies have been taken out. I mean, he was the one who challenged Tillerson. He’s got to have some sort of reason to believe he’ll win…but come on…Either way, it will be incredible to watch and horribly embarrassing as a country.”

Officials close to the president claim he is confident. One source reports, “He canceled all TV and play time yesterday to sit with an intern to give guidance and instructions for the creation of the contest’s poster. Despite multiple suggestions to the contrary, he didn’t seem to care that people might not believe he has a six pack, and he insisted that the American public would know that XS glove size means ‘Extra Strong’. I’ve placed a large wager on Secretary Tillerson.”

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