Large Protests Erupt After Ted Cruz Vows to Ban Harry Potter and Sex Toys in First 100 Days of Presidency

New Yorkers and citizens around the country have been outraged by recent reports from the campaign trail that indicate presidential hopeful Ted Cruz will ban devices designed for sexual stimulation and fantasy books involving wizards named Harry Potter in the first 100 days of his presidency. In response to Senator Cruz's comments, protesters have now taken to following the candidate to campaign rallies wearing Hogwarts uniforms and peacefully raising their dildos and vibrators in the air whenever the Texas senator speaks.   

Senior strategist for the Cruz campaign, Ben Strobel, admits his candidate's stance against wizards and sex toys has become a distraction and source of frustration among staffers. "For every supporter we have at any rally, now there are three people dressed as wizards pointing dildos at Mr. Cruz and yelling, 'Expelliarmus.' And it doesn't stop there. People are shipping huge boxes of sex toys to our headquarters. Literally hundreds of boxes every day. I had to hire two interns whose sole task is sorting through dildos and actual mail. It's a nightmare. I really wish he'd backtrack, but the man is stubborn."

Despite the recent disruptions at campaign events, Cruz remains steadfast in his stance towards banning the popular books and any product designed for the purpose of sexual release. The candidate explains, "Absolutely despicable what we are seeing now. This is what eight years of Obama's liberal ideology has gotten us, and this is exactly why I will ban these items in my first 100 days. This Christian nation is being taken hostage by heathens and sex demons of the radical left and I won't stand for it. This nation will not stand for it."

Amanda Peterson, a recent cape clad protester, disagrees. "If anything I think Ted has united this country with his comments. We all love Harry Potter and we all love sex toys. This is America. I think these protests have really brought my community together. We have different sex toy formations we run throughout his speeches and different spells that we cast with our dildos whenever he mentions certain talking points. He blushes so hard. And when he yells at us, we just start chanting 'Slytherin'. It's amazing. Easily my favorite thing about this election cycle so far."

Asked for a final comment, Ted Cruz stated, "I'm not a Slytherin. I don't even know what that means, but I am assuming it is some sex orgy term, and I will have no part of it. Heidi and I will pray for these misguided souls. And I will pray for this country."

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