Recent Poll Suggests Growing Number of Evangelicals Now Reconsidering Heaven Over Concerns that Ted Cruz Will Eventually Reside There

"His smile is what nightmares are made of," claims Edith June, 91 year old resident at Altria Nursing Home. "An eternity of those beady little eyes, I just don't think I can do it. I've gone to church every Sunday for 91 years. I've led a good life and I'll eventually have to spend an eternity with Ted Cruz? No thank you. I've started sinning."

Edith June is not alone. A recent Gallup poll suggests that the number of Evangelicals that have been taking another look at Hell has now soared to 12%. This number is up from 0% when the poll was last conducted before Ted Cruz achieved the national spotlight after announcing his candidacy for president.

The elderly have taken the fact that Ted Cruz will eventually be a resident of Heaven particularly hard. Earl Caldwell, 79, explains, "He's a God fearing man that prays and reads the bible every day. I think God would have to let him in. And even if Ted lives a long life, what does that mean? I get 40-50 years of peace and serenity before an eternity of listening to his heavy breathing as he reads sermons to his spiders? Hell can't possibly be that bad."

Petty crime in nursing homes has skyrocketed in the recent months. Candace Pratt, a nursing assistant at Altria, reports, "At least three or four people in wheelchairs get pushed over every day now. And we've had a pretty bad stealing problem ever since Ted came and spoke to the residents in March. It's definitely frustrating, but I mean, I get it."  

 Evangelic priests across the country are scrambling to reassure their congregations that Heaven is a big place. Pastor Jim Edwards claims, "Even if you don't like Ted Cruz, the chances of running into him in Heaven would be very slim." But like many, Edith June isn't buying it. "There's got to be a level of Hell that is not too bad where there is absolutely zero chance that Ted could even accidentally touch me. It is the only thing I hope for now." 

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